My life is a fail

And I am reminded of it at least 6 times a day.
I mean I like to think of myself as mildly successful, i have a real job, I have an apartment that is the least ghetto apartment I have ever lived in, my lovely puppy, i work out, i eat decently, not a lot of debt. But no, no, God likes to remind me that i am in fact, a fail.
Oh, you'd like examples would you?
Wanna hear it, here goes.
#1- Today Jackalope and I did our usual Tuesday lunch. It's usually awk-ish if for no other reason that he always comes into my office looking like he was pulled from the bottom of a barge (i love you, you know it's true and i always tell you you look rough. haha) So today was no exception there. We get the the resturant to go to lunch and as usual we look like a pair that doesn't belong (he's a bartender, I work in an office,kind of a diffrent day look) and the president of my small company is there waving at me and Jackalope. instead of acting like a normal person what do i do?? PANIC! I swore el presidente gave Jackalope a side eye so i grabbed him and was like "Um....we're eating inside not the patio!"
he thought i was crazy and that someday my office will have to understand I am, in fact, human, but that day was not today soooooo panic
Panic is what makes me a fail

another example?
Running with my dog today I tripped and faceplanted infront of at LEAST 30 people becuase my dog tripped me.

ANOTHER example?
I got in my car to come over to Nemo's to watch Glee. I had been whitening my teeth with some Crest White Strips. Totals forgot they were on until i got to a light. So I did what anyone would do, peel those nasty things off my toofs and threw it out my car window. I then look up and see a totals hot dude looking at me and my tooth strips with utter disgust.
FAIL

*sigh* and that's just what i remember of today. I know there is more.

please share some FAIL moments guys, make me feel a little better.
And for a little insentive- my ultimate fail moment- Dog threw up a used codom on my then ....whatever's (bf?) feet. Yup. She got in the trashcan (WHO THROWS CONDOMS AWAY! YOU FLUSH THAT SHIT!) ate a freshly used condom. Let it roll around in her gut for several hours then threw it up on his feet when we got back from a date like the next day. Probably the most traumatic moment of my life.
................i think i'm going to take a bath with a radio after that one
-Bitey

Oh what a night

Loyal readers, I don't believe I have been very open and upfront with you so let me lay it all out for you. I am laying on my couch on a Saturday night avoiding a date with a guy I think has a kid, wearing a pencil skirt and baseball t, why I couldn't even begin to explain, watching a documentary on Beer trying to figure out what the HELL my dog is doing before slipping into a boardem coma.

Stop- Guy in this doc has a beer tap tie and crazy old man glasses. Be still my beating heart.

God I love documentaries, but I feel like a pretentious douche when I try to talk to people about them, even if it is a beer documentary. I mean everyone has a friend that is THAT GUY, who thinks they are SOOOOOOOOOOO totally intellectual because they watch documentaries about shit like The Life Cycle Of Irradiated Manta Rays or Hitlers Neighbor's Best Friend's Dog Coming to Terms With The Philosophical Ramifications of the Nazi Party

Turns out- the dog was OK with it

Eat a dick That Guy! Doesn't make you an intellectual, at best it makes you a dude who can hit play and enjoy factual bullshit as much as most people enjoy fictional bullshit. At worst it makes you a wannabe hipster douchebag who pontificates about nothing and yearns for intellectual superiority at every turn.

Which reminds me-> I need to get my record player fixed so I can listen to Say Anything on Vinyl. Not because I am a douche but because my iPod hates me and won't play .....Is A Real Boy without having a stroke.

But TRUST I am not THAT GUY. I love documents for the same reason I love Dr. Who, Marvel & DC comics (which I am a dead ringer for a Marvel comic heroine. I will buy for you a drink if you figure out who and e-mail it to me at biteyandchompers@gmail.com. I know my dear Jackalope reads the blog SO you don't get to play as you pointed this one out to me.) thick rimmed glasses, Arrested Development, Big Bang (Marry Me Sheldon) The Simpsons, math rock etc. I am a card carrying Geek. Nerd. Whatever you want to call me. I think it's kinda sexy when a guy can pull obscure facts out of his ass, and even sexier when we can have a philosophical debate. Basically my ideal man looks like this And has the intelligence of this

*sigh*Which is why I am screwed 4 life. Also kinda why I bailed on dude man tonight. I just couldn't. do it. He's a nice guy, cute, athletic. But dumb as a box of rocks. And ew, textspeak I don't care who you are, textspeak is vom worthy. U & R are not words and nite is only acceptable if proceeded by Nick At. Got it? It just bothers me and makes me think you are an idiot.

OK back to the documentary. It's making me want a beer. Or a keg. Mmmmm, Yingling, yeah, yeah I need a Yingling, Shit! This dude is making beer in his kitchen! Chomp, can we get on this??? NOW??? Call it Shark Bite. We can make a, fuck, what is it I like?Heffavissen? i don't know. I should call Jackalope. He is my beer Guru. I shit you not. Homeboy is BRILLIANT in 3 areas, and that's about it. Music, Beer and Comic Books. Which is why we has been Biffles for much too many years. (hearts) Anyway, he is like the fucking Rain Man of Beer, so if I Don't know what to drink, I call him.

Like this, with beer AND the juicebox

Anyway Beer.......Beer...... God I really want one watching this. But I am sketched out by drinking alone......in a pencil skirt and baseball T that proclaims my love for KISS. I have 4 High Lifes and 2 Terripan IPA from hell things. That shit is poop water.

Oh shit! So this documentary just blew my mind. So I love beer right? Love some strange ones too, but there are 2 seasonal beers that my friends and I go ape shit for. Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Because my drunk ass proclaimed It Tastes like Fall!!) and Winter Bourbon Cask Ale with vanilla with this awesome snowman we have has more than several debates if the color of his hat has changed over the years. My heart is broken, I found out it is made by Budweiser. WTF. I always just assumed it came from the Beer Fairy.

This news gives me the sads but also reminds me of a wonderful story. So this one night, bout 3 years ago I lived in this SKETCH ASS part of town. Like no joke I had a few Meth Labs blow up in my building, countless drug raids, ad got to see a future coworker get arrested (restaurant job). Anyghetto, my friend Nemo (names changed to protect.....whoever i don't know) and I had a few....dozen or so Winter Cask Ales. Having had many of these oh so delicious Cask Ales and at least a pack of Camel Lights, because nothing says college like cigarettes and beer. So we finished the cigarettes and decided we needed more, but were far to trashed to drive to the gas station and we figured it wasn't that dangerous to walk there. So we stroll our drunk asses on down to the gas station that in our state of inebriation, forgot was not even just closed, but basically gone. I'm talkin boarded up and no gas pumps left. So we say fuck it and took a short cut through the Virginia College Parking lot (yup I was so classy the bitches in my complex could walk to math class between meth deals). We get back to my complex put in the code and Nemo strolls through the car gate, while I go through the walking gate and cut the FUCK out of my foot. I still have a scar. We said fuck it got in Nemo's car and grove on down to the gas station. We decided the need for smokes X gas station out of walking distance= fuck it, we can make it.

Holy crap there is a place where God ordained for the Budweiser factory and Jelly Belly to be ACROSS THE STREET from each other. I want, no NEED to visit this place. I love Jelly Bellys, they are the only Jelly beans worth eating. The others are just decorations fit for a high school assistant principals office. They are still one of the worst seasonal candies. Christmas has fudge, Halloween has EVERYTHING especially Candy Corn, and what does Easter have? Chocolate Bunies and Crosses and Jelly Beans. Fail.

Bah my apartment is like Nightmare Before Christmas meets low rent Mad Men. Beautiful mental image huh? Seriously, I have a JAck-o-lanturn light fixture hanging in THE SAME ROOM as vintagy Christmas lights hanging all white trashy year round. Hell, I am so lazy the silvery glittery ornaments Chompers hung for my annual Christmas party. I do love that they cast a pinky orange glow on my avocado green couch. Basically my apartment is fresh out the dorms chic. Christ I have lawn furniture for a dining room set.

I totally zoned out on this documentary and now have no idea what is going on. But owner or CEO or whatever of Dogfish is HAWT. Even if he is like 30sish and totals frattastic. Shit! He gave out his e-mail in the documentary. Sam@dogfish.com. I feel like I should send this blog post to him.

Remember readers-> Beer is the Teddy Bear of Adults in America

-Bitey

Makers Mark Hat!!!!

Ok I had to go ahead and post this. My sister, god bless her, knows I have a deep deep DEEP love of all things trainwreck. So, she is stuck working a home and garden show today and has been instructed to send me photos of trainwrecks.
Boy did she deliver. She sent me this gem.
Makers Mark Hat!!! I WANT ONE! Please please please GOD can I have one?? I will wear it everyday and carry a bottle of Makers in my hand dancing and singing in the streets. Because when wearing a Makers Mark Hat that's all you can really do.
I mean shit, where I live, I'd fit IN.
That cap, in its FANTASTIC GLORIOUS essence, is a top hat with red "wax" dripping much like the top of a makers mark bottle.

Mix this with Ale-8 and you have the Bluegrass State in a Glass, try it I dare you.

I LOVE Makers. I would have considered going as a bottle of Makers for Halloween, but that's something else entirely.
I Can't even FIND a google image of a Markers Mark Hat like this!!! GOOGLE YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME!
I believe I have fallen in love. Not with the man, just the hat.
God I hope my sister can top this. VIVA LA TRAINWRECKS!
-Bitey

God I suck at Life

Hey guys, it's Bitey. I know! I know! I know! Chompers and I JUST started the blog and we fuckin dropped the ball on week 2.

Thing is, life has just not been NEARLY as bizarre as usual for either of us. Gives me the sads!Look, i even broke the heart of a precious lolcat!

Part of the problem is I have 0 fundage for A) a working laptop or B) for the internet Soooo..... I usually write at night and post on my lunch or before work OR like this on a saturday.
Bah
I need to figure out a way to get both of these items. I suppose there is hooking, but i'd rather just bum off my friends computers soooooo lets see if we can't get that started.
So.... Next week- More posts!
Smooches
-Bitey

Friday's Sick Obsession

I believe today is as good a day as any to start a new weekly event. Welcome to Friday’s Sick Obsession. See, I have thousands of these weird little obsessions that ebb and flow over time. Everyone around me has mixed feelings about each new obsession because, while it DOES replace the old one it also means something new has latched onto my psyche and will spill out like oil from the Exxon Valdez.

Example: I went through about a six month love affair with a concept album by Forgive Durden called Razia’s Shadow. I know every word, every nuance of each character, each emotion connected to each instrument and by god was I going to tell you all about it. Like it or not I’m going to explain it because somewhere inside I know, I just KNOW you care. Even though you think you don't, I know you do.

These obsessions tend to manifest themselves in the strangest ways possible and can come from anywhere.

My newest obsessions are (Drumroll please)…………...............................................................................

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Gogol Bordello

What is Gogol Bordello? Romanian Gypsy Punk! How the F do you NOT love the batshit that IS Gypsy Punk!?!? It's got all the charm of accordions and violins and whatever the hell being played under the moonlight while an old woman reads your palm and warns you of "vervolves!" while old men in striped shirts teach monkeys to dance and drink around a roaring fire AND all the rash insensitive insensibility of good old fashion punk rock. I swooned as soon as i heard their name.

How about their most downloaded song on iTunes is "Start wearing purple". The song just declares about 150 times that you should "Start wearing purple! Wearing purple!"
I did a little research (aka Wikipedia failed me so off to google it was) and found the song is just as batshit as i could ever hope. It's about just saying F this, i'm going to be crazy when I'm old and wear purple from head to toe, welp may as well start now!

I love that I make this discovery about this song while I'm wearing purple.....from head to toe. So Legit, I bring the crazy, even Gogol knows. Shit, even my blogger color is purple! Which on that note...

Dear Gogol Bordello,
Hiyo Bitey here. Big Fan. If you need someone else to add to the band CALL ME! I already started wearing purple, and I can bring the cray cray by the truckloads. I currently Think Globally and F*ck Locally, but I can change, I swear! I can sing, be avant gaurde if you want. I know you feel it too, the kindred spirit of cray cray art and bizzare. Not to mention I love your lead singers 'stache. It treads that fine line between carny creeper and interesting hipster in the most fantastic way possible.

How can you not??

SO, if you wanna give me a chance to bring something to the gypsy creative table let me know. They call me Bitey, but for you guys, I'll be Bitesky. K? ThanksBye!!!

Ok, now that they are gone can I just say WOW. I have this thing for dirty smelly rocker-types, and nothing says "dirty smelly rocker type" quite like mashing the words "gypsy" and "punk" together. My ideal man is builtish, broke nosed, scruffy, tattooed.....mmmm. Everything Mama warned you about. BUT that's for another day I suppose.

Moving on to my other newest obsession........................(Drumroll please).......................................

The Eating Out film series. That’s right FILM! CINEMA! This isn’t a bunch of movies, this is fine art.Co-Blogger Chompers and I found these incredible pieces of modern cinema on one of our "Gay Days". We popped in Eating Out 3: All You Can Eat, grabbed some homemade rainbow cake and 2 cases of Miller High Life. Because if you're going to drink beer it better be the goddamn champagne of beer. So the film starts with Tiffini Van Der Sloot having sex with a priest in a coffin.

Rebekah Kochan deserves an Oscar for her portrayal of Tiffani the "Slut with a heart of shit". That's all I'm saying you need to WATCH THESE FILMS to understand.

It took us 4 hours to watch this 80 minute movie. Why? Because every 5 minutes we would pause, write down lines from the movie (which all escape me now except "I just threw up in my pussy" Chomp add in some quotes!) discuss, and grab a few more beers.
We discussed everything, from the SURPRISE appearance of Beverly Lessly to the full frontal male nudity which we judged, scored and decided what we would do with said gentleman.
It was a truly bonding experience.
I can't help that I am a gay man trapped in a ladies body! That's why Tiffani understands me, and I love my Homos.




From your very own slut with the heart of shit -Bitey

Air Drumming Is the College-Age Equivelant to Eating Paste

That's right -I went there. I don't know what it is about "out Christians" but apparently the rules of decorum simply do not apply to them. I was sitting in the student center taking an inordinately long study break (I put the book down at 11, it's 1:15), checking facebook and the like when these kids sit down on the couch next to me. They start yammering on and on and on and on about their church's college ministry and how great and spiritual and bladdy blah everything there is. Having grown up in the church, I know this is to be expected. HOWEVER, when the music started playing is when I went from mildly aggravated to the strangest combination of appaled/enthralled I've felt in a while. Kind of like when you see a car crash on the side of the road: it's gory, there are po-pos, etc. yet no matter how close you come to causing another accident right across the street, you just can't look away -that sort of phenomenon .

This kid, in full view of a crowded campus center, straight up pulled air drum sticks out of his pockets, ninja-style and started his own one man mosh pit. And folks, this wasn't your average elbows bent at roughly ninety degrees while gently tapping one of those little pads drummers always seem to carry around in your lap air drums that most of us are used to. No, we're talkin' head being swung violently like male big-horned sheep during mating season with arms flailing like an epileptic Bruce Lee on speed jam session. America, when have we ever been okay with this kind of behavior? (Excluding, of course, frat parties with copious amounts of Natty Lite and the within the confines of a low rent Fast and Furious douchemobile a la:

Not to mention the fact that Jesus Christ Superstar decided to follow up this display of undeniably brotastic douchebaggery with the song "TiK ToK" by Ke$ha. I'm not sayin I don't love me some openly slutty Miley Cyrus knockoff because, frankly, I work out to that blonde hussy's danceworthy tunes. BUT I am not okay with ho-hum conversation about WWJD bracelets and pizza socials being followed by what could quite possibly be the most intense air drum solo the Westenrn hemisphere has ever witnessed, only to be topped off by a rousing chorus of "gonna blow my speakers up tonight, imma fight, 'till we see the sunlight (rise over the tomb of our lord? I mean, I guess it is almost Easter...)

And all this from members of a social group that prides itself on maintaining the status quo and a sense of normalcy in the crazy world of black presidents and tommy has two mommies? Focus on the Family can have the Bible Belt, but I'll be damned if they take away my Ke$ha!

In related news, I got a double dose of instant karma for this post. First I sneezed ALL OVER myself (like old school You Can't Say That On Television SLIMED my arm) while typing this very post in front of them only to spill water from my Earth-friendly aluminum water bottle down my front within five minutes of the sliming. I swear that stupid water bottle is out to make me look like a 'tard . . .

Hugs 'n shit,
Chompers

Things I coudln't make into a real post if my life depended on it

So in an effort to use what little brain power I have in the morning I figured I'd go ahead and blog out a few things flittering away in my brain.

1. So I am attempting to get my fat @$$ into a shape that does not resemble a piece of fruit of some kind but I am A- Too broke to join a gym B-Far too lazy to use a book or magazine to inspire me or tell me what to do. Not to mention the complicated steps and instruction. I didn't use the instruction manual on my bookshelf and/or tv stand, why would I use one on me? 3-FAR too critical of workout videos. But honestly, how can you not be? I'm sorry I don't care if you are doing that P90X crap that is oh so intense the ONLY thing I see when I use a work out video-> Richard Simmons. Period. Complete with spangly/sparkly shorts, white man 'fro and bevy of big beautiful midwesterners in the background Sweatin' to the Oldies. Once that image plants itself in my head I'm done. I just want to sit and enjoy the show, preferably with a friend (Chomp I'm lookin at you), some beer and chips. This is also why I have an unhealthy obsession with watching the Biggest Loser and eating or cooking through the entire episode.

2. As discussed before, the part of town I live in is "no Pants friendly" which also makes it trainwreck central. I love this more than most people love their children. I'm talking about the good kid too, not the one you get drunk at Christmas and remind that THEY are the reason Dad left, nono I'm talking the perfect Leave It To Beaver kid. So I'm walking around downtown and see the single greatest thing I have seen SINCE the red dress drag queen with a horseshoe of silver hair and fuzzy legs. I saw a gentleman with the elegance and grace to have a VIKING HELMET tattooed onto his head. All blue ink, ornate as hell. Complete with nose guard and earflaps tattooed ON HIS HEAD. I didn't know if I should immediately run over and profess my undying love or run away screaming in fear of Thor taking me back to Valhallah. I chose option C which was giggle, stare mouth agape and text my dear friends about him.
If only I'd gotten his name.........

3. At what point is the transition made from it's weird to have kids at your age to it's weird NOT to?? I have a feeling it's sneaking up on me and that is not ok. To be honest, babies freak me out. Especially the whole Preggo part. It's like having a parasite for 9 months. It lives off of you and if you don't give it what it wants will steal your BONES. No thank you, I like my bones, they are staying put.
I'm also convinced this dude I've been talking to has a kid, but refers to it as his nephew. This is also not ok. Not because he's lying to me, but because I don't like kids, and I don't want to like this dude and then have to like his kid. I mean I have had a dude end things with me because he didn't like my dog, why can't I feel the same way about the chirrins?

4. I am not above following a car simply because I think a creeper is driving it. Pedo-vans beware. I will gawk, drive many blocks out of my way and almost wreck my car trying to get a decent picture on my cell. I don't care if I'm meeting people, I will be late and you will understand.
Which BTW- When I do get an epic pic, you will be the first to know.

Bringin' the crazy since the 80's
-Bitey