Oh what a night

Loyal readers, I don't believe I have been very open and upfront with you so let me lay it all out for you. I am laying on my couch on a Saturday night avoiding a date with a guy I think has a kid, wearing a pencil skirt and baseball t, why I couldn't even begin to explain, watching a documentary on Beer trying to figure out what the HELL my dog is doing before slipping into a boardem coma.

Stop- Guy in this doc has a beer tap tie and crazy old man glasses. Be still my beating heart.

God I love documentaries, but I feel like a pretentious douche when I try to talk to people about them, even if it is a beer documentary. I mean everyone has a friend that is THAT GUY, who thinks they are SOOOOOOOOOOO totally intellectual because they watch documentaries about shit like The Life Cycle Of Irradiated Manta Rays or Hitlers Neighbor's Best Friend's Dog Coming to Terms With The Philosophical Ramifications of the Nazi Party

Turns out- the dog was OK with it

Eat a dick That Guy! Doesn't make you an intellectual, at best it makes you a dude who can hit play and enjoy factual bullshit as much as most people enjoy fictional bullshit. At worst it makes you a wannabe hipster douchebag who pontificates about nothing and yearns for intellectual superiority at every turn.

Which reminds me-> I need to get my record player fixed so I can listen to Say Anything on Vinyl. Not because I am a douche but because my iPod hates me and won't play .....Is A Real Boy without having a stroke.

But TRUST I am not THAT GUY. I love documents for the same reason I love Dr. Who, Marvel & DC comics (which I am a dead ringer for a Marvel comic heroine. I will buy for you a drink if you figure out who and e-mail it to me at biteyandchompers@gmail.com. I know my dear Jackalope reads the blog SO you don't get to play as you pointed this one out to me.) thick rimmed glasses, Arrested Development, Big Bang (Marry Me Sheldon) The Simpsons, math rock etc. I am a card carrying Geek. Nerd. Whatever you want to call me. I think it's kinda sexy when a guy can pull obscure facts out of his ass, and even sexier when we can have a philosophical debate. Basically my ideal man looks like this And has the intelligence of this

*sigh*Which is why I am screwed 4 life. Also kinda why I bailed on dude man tonight. I just couldn't. do it. He's a nice guy, cute, athletic. But dumb as a box of rocks. And ew, textspeak I don't care who you are, textspeak is vom worthy. U & R are not words and nite is only acceptable if proceeded by Nick At. Got it? It just bothers me and makes me think you are an idiot.

OK back to the documentary. It's making me want a beer. Or a keg. Mmmmm, Yingling, yeah, yeah I need a Yingling, Shit! This dude is making beer in his kitchen! Chomp, can we get on this??? NOW??? Call it Shark Bite. We can make a, fuck, what is it I like?Heffavissen? i don't know. I should call Jackalope. He is my beer Guru. I shit you not. Homeboy is BRILLIANT in 3 areas, and that's about it. Music, Beer and Comic Books. Which is why we has been Biffles for much too many years. (hearts) Anyway, he is like the fucking Rain Man of Beer, so if I Don't know what to drink, I call him.

Like this, with beer AND the juicebox

Anyway Beer.......Beer...... God I really want one watching this. But I am sketched out by drinking alone......in a pencil skirt and baseball T that proclaims my love for KISS. I have 4 High Lifes and 2 Terripan IPA from hell things. That shit is poop water.

Oh shit! So this documentary just blew my mind. So I love beer right? Love some strange ones too, but there are 2 seasonal beers that my friends and I go ape shit for. Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Because my drunk ass proclaimed It Tastes like Fall!!) and Winter Bourbon Cask Ale with vanilla with this awesome snowman we have has more than several debates if the color of his hat has changed over the years. My heart is broken, I found out it is made by Budweiser. WTF. I always just assumed it came from the Beer Fairy.

This news gives me the sads but also reminds me of a wonderful story. So this one night, bout 3 years ago I lived in this SKETCH ASS part of town. Like no joke I had a few Meth Labs blow up in my building, countless drug raids, ad got to see a future coworker get arrested (restaurant job). Anyghetto, my friend Nemo (names changed to protect.....whoever i don't know) and I had a few....dozen or so Winter Cask Ales. Having had many of these oh so delicious Cask Ales and at least a pack of Camel Lights, because nothing says college like cigarettes and beer. So we finished the cigarettes and decided we needed more, but were far to trashed to drive to the gas station and we figured it wasn't that dangerous to walk there. So we stroll our drunk asses on down to the gas station that in our state of inebriation, forgot was not even just closed, but basically gone. I'm talkin boarded up and no gas pumps left. So we say fuck it and took a short cut through the Virginia College Parking lot (yup I was so classy the bitches in my complex could walk to math class between meth deals). We get back to my complex put in the code and Nemo strolls through the car gate, while I go through the walking gate and cut the FUCK out of my foot. I still have a scar. We said fuck it got in Nemo's car and grove on down to the gas station. We decided the need for smokes X gas station out of walking distance= fuck it, we can make it.

Holy crap there is a place where God ordained for the Budweiser factory and Jelly Belly to be ACROSS THE STREET from each other. I want, no NEED to visit this place. I love Jelly Bellys, they are the only Jelly beans worth eating. The others are just decorations fit for a high school assistant principals office. They are still one of the worst seasonal candies. Christmas has fudge, Halloween has EVERYTHING especially Candy Corn, and what does Easter have? Chocolate Bunies and Crosses and Jelly Beans. Fail.

Bah my apartment is like Nightmare Before Christmas meets low rent Mad Men. Beautiful mental image huh? Seriously, I have a JAck-o-lanturn light fixture hanging in THE SAME ROOM as vintagy Christmas lights hanging all white trashy year round. Hell, I am so lazy the silvery glittery ornaments Chompers hung for my annual Christmas party. I do love that they cast a pinky orange glow on my avocado green couch. Basically my apartment is fresh out the dorms chic. Christ I have lawn furniture for a dining room set.

I totally zoned out on this documentary and now have no idea what is going on. But owner or CEO or whatever of Dogfish is HAWT. Even if he is like 30sish and totals frattastic. Shit! He gave out his e-mail in the documentary. Sam@dogfish.com. I feel like I should send this blog post to him.

Remember readers-> Beer is the Teddy Bear of Adults in America

-Bitey