Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Do Sharks get Sinus infections?

The answer to both questions is, of course, yes.
I am trying SOOO freakin' hard to post more guys. I know the quality was never that high to begin with, but suck it, it's probs gonna slip a little more since I'm going from at least every other day posts.

First of all- My head= Musinex mascot housing project.
This fucker and aaaaaaaaaaaall his buddies from down at the docks/ factories/ construction site have decided to take a vacation.
In my face.
Ugh this blows.
God i knew it was bad when.....this might be TMI but I really don't care.....I had a more-than-twenty-minute nose bleed. Legit. I sneezed and then it was like my nose was on it's period. I wanted to die. Then my Demon Puppy (DP for short) whom i love dearly ate the klenex. I made her sleep in her chair, she was not crawling in my bed after that. It was that gross.
What I don't get is I can breathe, but everything in my face hurts. One of my eyes is even kinda puffy. I realized this as I tried, in vein, to put on eyeliner this morning.
Let's go play on WebMD and see what it says. 1- Cuz it's fun and 2- I am FAR too cheap to go to the real doctor.
OK So according to WebMD I may have the following:
*Nasal Irritation - wouldn't that be a sympton not a diagnosis?
*Foreign Object in my nose - Um, when I saw this all I could think of was Homer Simpsona nd the Crayons
*Accute Sinusitis- My money is on this one
*Nasal Dryness
*Chronic Sinusitis- hee hee Chronic. All that makes me want to do is listen to some old school Dre
*Polyps
*Broken Nose
*Hay Fever
*Aspirin Use- how much Aspirin does it take to F up your nose like this!?!
*Pink Eye
*Excessive Cocaine use
Wait..... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WebMD thinks i have a Coke problem because my sinuses aren't right? I'm a little offended WebMD. First of all, I may have done some shady things in the past. I mean God knows it will never be Bitey for President.....ever. But coke is something I never fucked with.

She never did coke either , Just has REALLY bad sinus problems.

I mean I get the connection, but really WebMD!?!? If you are going to accuse me of being a drug addict can't you at least ask me if I have done drugs?

Ugh I can't handle this right now. I just want to go home, curl up with my evil dog in my owl jammie shorts and Teddy Bear hospital T-shirt (circa 1990) and watch Arrested Development in a medicated haze.
I have a fever too. At least according to the ONLY thermometer I own. Which is a Candy thermometer. Which I guess is better than none at all. i just don't know how accurate it if on....people.
My mom got it for me for Christmas because of my old lady hobby of baking. I have used it for baking/candy making maybe MAYBE twice. Instead every time my air breaks/ I am too lazy to try and read where the little line is, I use it to figure out how hot/cold my apartment really is. This time I decided to see if it would work on me. Don't worry, I washed it!
But yeah, it said I was at 100 even. Who knows if it's right.
Taking someone's temp with a candy thermometer seems like the set up of an epic yo mama so fat joke, but alas, I'm just not that good.

*sniffle sniffle* - Bitey

Cheshire Cats and Musicial Acts

Alright. So you bitches may or may not know I am quite literally obsessed with music. I have 2 rather obese iPods, one 80 gb the other 16gb both full, plus who knows how many CDs and Vinyls. It's sad. I'm probably one music binge away from being locked up. But that's ok As long as I can take the music WITH me to the crazy house.
But see, I know I won't be alone. My dear dear friend Cheshire with be right there with me. See there are people in my life who GET music (jackaloper and Chesh) and the people who don't (EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW, and half the time Jackaloper falls into this.) It's really frustrating. Because I WANT to talk about the musics that I love. Why I love them. What they mean to me. How they move me.
I am met with blank stares at best.
Then i found Chesh.
We bonded over booze and musics.
After that how can you NOT be Biffles 4 life?
So we, in the like wow month+ we've known one another, burned about 30 CDs for each other. And since i had a pretty shitTASTIC Weds of trainwreckage (workin on the hilarity of it all for you) I received an epic amount of musics waiting at my door.
now I am spending my entire day listening to said musics discussing with Chesh via text and enjoying the Rabbit Hole i get to go down trying to figure out what the F all of it is. Sadly, this is probs the most fun i have had in weeks. lol This is not a funny post i just had to explain how much i am enjoying this. Thus far the music has taken me from HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE HAS THIS (Matt Skiba's side project Heavens) to HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG but it makes me cry!!! (Overkill- Men At Work don't even start to judge)


So yeah. '
Why can't i have more friends that get the musics??????!?!?!?!
You bitches suck
"I gots deuce deuces"- Bitey

FLASHBACK

I feel like I just stepped back in time. I talked to my friend, we'll just call him "The Mormon" since that's his most distinguishable trait and I am FAR too lazy (read: hungover) to look up a fish name for him that is fitting/funny.

He Does resemble this fish-type creature though

"The Mormon" and I met through a mutual friend probs 5 or 6 years ago. He came to visit her and for some reason I was just around the whole weekend. Anywho, this kid was oh so sheltered and naive I knew we had to be friends.
So all those years ago we hung out like a solid weekend, and have never seen each other in person again since. We stayed in touch though for many years. How? AIM! Yup. AIM.
The conversation I had with this kid i will NEVER forget? a 4 hour conversation about making a movie. OUt of the song "Ooba dee oobada life goes on oooooooooon oooooooon life goes on".
Out of Egg people.
Yes
It was epic.
He made the film.
Turned it in at BYU and got like an A or some shit.
I lurvs the Morman -Bitey

You're Love Your Love Is My Drug

And I bet for 1/2 a second you thought I meant I had some romanticals news
No No No, I don't DO Romantical. Just Not very Bitey.

Pictured- my heart and lack of soul

However, Nemo and I have a new song. Oh Nemo, my biffles for life. He and I have gotten into quite a few shinnanigans over the years. Including but not limited to, being thrown out of SEVERAL bars (including a gay male strip club) countless adventures to nowhere, ganking shit off the road and from friends while intoxicated, a faux engagement misadventure, (from which i retain the title of "Not Wife") so on and so forth.

Previously our "song" was Akon- Nobody want to see us together. Yup that gem. And TRUST when we saw Akon this year we had a girl and her gay hug/screamfest moment when he played that song. Talking JUST short of tears.
This song followed us everywhere we went. Get in the car? AKON Go to a bar? AKON! movies? AKON! Party? AKON!
It was as if some higher power was saying "You two are a match made in Hell, NOBODY wants ya'll to be biffles. K. Thanx BYE! -The Cosmos"

Messenger of the God's since 2006

Now the song that follows us like Herpes is KeSha "You're Love Is My Drug"

Which really is just the nail in the coffin that Nemo + Bitey= Awkward Co-Dependence for Life

If i can have a picture of Ke$ha and the American Flag on my blog i will do it. Everytime.

So I'm not sure how the universe decided that 1) Nemo and I were perfect for one another in theat super F'ed way that we are (I would assume it threw up it's hands in defeat and gave up) 2) Why it has to be this song that lets us know. I mean aren't there 800,000 other Biffles songs? I am fully aware at the level of bizzare Nemo and I's relationship is. We have entire conversations with one look, hell we share a brain at this point. Not a joke guys. It's not uncommon (read: daily) that we will think and say the exact same thing at the exact moment. And it's not normal shit. It's crap from left field like "Make everyone twins" and "Electric Toilet"
The basis for our bond is I'm a hateful bitch, he is becoming a catty gay together we make the world weep.
Though at times he is still shocked at the level of evil that will spew forth from my mouth. I have no idea why. On the other hand I am always shocked when he gets a reference I make to anything musical. As in so shocked he gets a "point" each time he gets it, or makes one of his own. We have been Biffles for 4 years. He has 7 points, as of last night. Sooooo there's that.

Let's see what else has been going on.....
I met The Swell Season. I swooned.
Doesn't really pertain to anything, just wanted to gloat a bit.

Actually Legit, I am in love with this music. And I have NO IDEA WHY! I normally love weird, bizarre music. Such as Zombina and The Skeletones or Gogol Bordello. The Swell Season is singer/songwriter folksy music. And it makes me fall in love with it EVERY DAMN TIME.
Not going to lie, I teared up at the show. Me. With the black hole for a soul. It's not fair.

A lot of it is totals "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To" too. I'm not the most emotionally stable human being. I'm just saying Me + bottle of ANYTHING + Swell Season would = a very dark and scary journey into that black hole inside. I'm not sure if I would come back the same person, or if i'd go all Sam Neil in Event Horizon and come back all murder-y

With the right accessories I think it could be a good look for me.

Le Sigh.
Truth is my heart is in there somewhere. Crying like an emokid on....well fuck, a tuesday. Waiting to be pulled from the black hole. Because lets face it, it's dark and scary in there.

Ugh I'm just not funny today
Toodles
-Bitey

Oh what a night

Loyal readers, I don't believe I have been very open and upfront with you so let me lay it all out for you. I am laying on my couch on a Saturday night avoiding a date with a guy I think has a kid, wearing a pencil skirt and baseball t, why I couldn't even begin to explain, watching a documentary on Beer trying to figure out what the HELL my dog is doing before slipping into a boardem coma.

Stop- Guy in this doc has a beer tap tie and crazy old man glasses. Be still my beating heart.

God I love documentaries, but I feel like a pretentious douche when I try to talk to people about them, even if it is a beer documentary. I mean everyone has a friend that is THAT GUY, who thinks they are SOOOOOOOOOOO totally intellectual because they watch documentaries about shit like The Life Cycle Of Irradiated Manta Rays or Hitlers Neighbor's Best Friend's Dog Coming to Terms With The Philosophical Ramifications of the Nazi Party

Turns out- the dog was OK with it

Eat a dick That Guy! Doesn't make you an intellectual, at best it makes you a dude who can hit play and enjoy factual bullshit as much as most people enjoy fictional bullshit. At worst it makes you a wannabe hipster douchebag who pontificates about nothing and yearns for intellectual superiority at every turn.

Which reminds me-> I need to get my record player fixed so I can listen to Say Anything on Vinyl. Not because I am a douche but because my iPod hates me and won't play .....Is A Real Boy without having a stroke.

But TRUST I am not THAT GUY. I love documents for the same reason I love Dr. Who, Marvel & DC comics (which I am a dead ringer for a Marvel comic heroine. I will buy for you a drink if you figure out who and e-mail it to me at biteyandchompers@gmail.com. I know my dear Jackalope reads the blog SO you don't get to play as you pointed this one out to me.) thick rimmed glasses, Arrested Development, Big Bang (Marry Me Sheldon) The Simpsons, math rock etc. I am a card carrying Geek. Nerd. Whatever you want to call me. I think it's kinda sexy when a guy can pull obscure facts out of his ass, and even sexier when we can have a philosophical debate. Basically my ideal man looks like this And has the intelligence of this

*sigh*Which is why I am screwed 4 life. Also kinda why I bailed on dude man tonight. I just couldn't. do it. He's a nice guy, cute, athletic. But dumb as a box of rocks. And ew, textspeak I don't care who you are, textspeak is vom worthy. U & R are not words and nite is only acceptable if proceeded by Nick At. Got it? It just bothers me and makes me think you are an idiot.

OK back to the documentary. It's making me want a beer. Or a keg. Mmmmm, Yingling, yeah, yeah I need a Yingling, Shit! This dude is making beer in his kitchen! Chomp, can we get on this??? NOW??? Call it Shark Bite. We can make a, fuck, what is it I like?Heffavissen? i don't know. I should call Jackalope. He is my beer Guru. I shit you not. Homeboy is BRILLIANT in 3 areas, and that's about it. Music, Beer and Comic Books. Which is why we has been Biffles for much too many years. (hearts) Anyway, he is like the fucking Rain Man of Beer, so if I Don't know what to drink, I call him.

Like this, with beer AND the juicebox

Anyway Beer.......Beer...... God I really want one watching this. But I am sketched out by drinking alone......in a pencil skirt and baseball T that proclaims my love for KISS. I have 4 High Lifes and 2 Terripan IPA from hell things. That shit is poop water.

Oh shit! So this documentary just blew my mind. So I love beer right? Love some strange ones too, but there are 2 seasonal beers that my friends and I go ape shit for. Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Because my drunk ass proclaimed It Tastes like Fall!!) and Winter Bourbon Cask Ale with vanilla with this awesome snowman we have has more than several debates if the color of his hat has changed over the years. My heart is broken, I found out it is made by Budweiser. WTF. I always just assumed it came from the Beer Fairy.

This news gives me the sads but also reminds me of a wonderful story. So this one night, bout 3 years ago I lived in this SKETCH ASS part of town. Like no joke I had a few Meth Labs blow up in my building, countless drug raids, ad got to see a future coworker get arrested (restaurant job). Anyghetto, my friend Nemo (names changed to protect.....whoever i don't know) and I had a few....dozen or so Winter Cask Ales. Having had many of these oh so delicious Cask Ales and at least a pack of Camel Lights, because nothing says college like cigarettes and beer. So we finished the cigarettes and decided we needed more, but were far to trashed to drive to the gas station and we figured it wasn't that dangerous to walk there. So we stroll our drunk asses on down to the gas station that in our state of inebriation, forgot was not even just closed, but basically gone. I'm talkin boarded up and no gas pumps left. So we say fuck it and took a short cut through the Virginia College Parking lot (yup I was so classy the bitches in my complex could walk to math class between meth deals). We get back to my complex put in the code and Nemo strolls through the car gate, while I go through the walking gate and cut the FUCK out of my foot. I still have a scar. We said fuck it got in Nemo's car and grove on down to the gas station. We decided the need for smokes X gas station out of walking distance= fuck it, we can make it.

Holy crap there is a place where God ordained for the Budweiser factory and Jelly Belly to be ACROSS THE STREET from each other. I want, no NEED to visit this place. I love Jelly Bellys, they are the only Jelly beans worth eating. The others are just decorations fit for a high school assistant principals office. They are still one of the worst seasonal candies. Christmas has fudge, Halloween has EVERYTHING especially Candy Corn, and what does Easter have? Chocolate Bunies and Crosses and Jelly Beans. Fail.

Bah my apartment is like Nightmare Before Christmas meets low rent Mad Men. Beautiful mental image huh? Seriously, I have a JAck-o-lanturn light fixture hanging in THE SAME ROOM as vintagy Christmas lights hanging all white trashy year round. Hell, I am so lazy the silvery glittery ornaments Chompers hung for my annual Christmas party. I do love that they cast a pinky orange glow on my avocado green couch. Basically my apartment is fresh out the dorms chic. Christ I have lawn furniture for a dining room set.

I totally zoned out on this documentary and now have no idea what is going on. But owner or CEO or whatever of Dogfish is HAWT. Even if he is like 30sish and totals frattastic. Shit! He gave out his e-mail in the documentary. Sam@dogfish.com. I feel like I should send this blog post to him.

Remember readers-> Beer is the Teddy Bear of Adults in America

-Bitey

Moving Right Along

Greetings blogosphere! This is co-blogger Chompers of soon to be The Snark Tank fame. I hope you all are finding this Wednesday well because, frankly, I wasn’t until my beautiful, beautiful co-blogger Bitey gave me the best e-surprise of all time (yes, even better than that one guy who sent nudie pics via facebook -we were NOT that serious!): this here blog!

Ok, background: I am the “college age” correspondent for this fine piece of internet literature (yup, first post and we’ve already started fishing for a book deal) attending a nondescript, tier four “institute of higher education” which we all know means the only difference between this little slice of heaven and your average American elementary school is that the cafeteria has chain restaurants and the girls may or may not have a little fuzz down south when they show you what’s in their pants in exchange for pudding and half a pack of necco wafers (yes, this has happened to me). That said, the b-e-a-utiful trainwreckage that is this campus is just that, UH-MAAAAAZE-ING. Best part: it’s in a rural part of the Durdy Souf: trainwrecks with accents.

Pleasantries aside, let’s get down to brass-tax with our first ever segment of:

Can I Just Say?

That I -a white, middle-class male in a lab group otherwise composed of African-American females of varying age and weight, was the fortunate participant in a lab experiment entitled “Who’s The Daddy?”

Pause for emphasis –I’m literally raising my eyebrows suggestively as I type this.

That’s right, there is a God –and he has one fandamntastic sense of humor! I literally yelped with glee when, upon finishing my pre-lab minutes before class (like I do) There I was, casually flipping through the day’s assignments to assess the damage (that class is forever long –like, waiting on Ricky Martin’s queeny ass to come out of the closet long. Tangent: why was that even relevant? When was the last time you heard his name? Answer: 1999ish) and I stumbled across the title of our experiment having to do with blood typing, or gel electrophoresis, or some such sciency bullshit. Guys, I for real could not catch my breath for at least twenty seconds –it was that good.

Fast forward to class time: my lab partners (who will henceforth be referred to as Mah Gurlfrans) and I are sitting in lab. After our strikingly frog-like TA (imagine Professor Umbridge and that raspy-voiced kid with specs from “Little Rascals” had a baby –that’s her) finishes going over the homework, Mah Gurlfrans and I flip open our lab manuals and I audibly gasp. Mah Gurlfran #1 laughs. her. ass. off. at the title as Mah Gurlfran #2 mutters something about racism under her breath (she’s a middle-aged black lady: ‘nuff said). I am, at this point, visibly uncomfortable which does not go unnoticed by Mah Gurlfrans. After much hemming and hawing, we get down to business and discover Maury-style that, of course, the blackest lab group in the room is indeed the father. Mah Gurlfran #1 proceeds to pantomime Maury’s “you are the father” and “you are not the father” mannerisms for the next five minutes as TA Frogger tries to reestablish order. Order reestablished, we move on to experiment number two which involved snapping various bits and pieces together to form plastic DNA strands (seriously!? a $200 lab fee to play with fucking K’NEX?). We are now two hours deep in lab and Chompers is hungry so he starts directing the construction of said DNA strands. Not about to let the obvious racial goldmine that was our first experiment, Mah Gurlfrans proceed to piss and moan about how all I do is order them around. I deny this vehemently and continue ordering them around. This, too, does not go unnoticed by Mah Gurlfrans and they continue pissing and moaning until finally Mah Gurlfran #1 begins to call me “Massuh.” It is at this point that I lose all ability to comport myself in a manner befitting a young man of good raising. Y’all, we had that entire room in fits of laughter going on about “guh you so crazy” this and “illegitimate slave-baby” that.

Moral of the story: attending shitty public universities affords you the opportunity to basically re-enact issues of Dave Chappelle’s show in a relatively safe environment all while earning college credit.