Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?

Why yes, That IS a quote from Joe Dirt. And Yes that IS an epic painting of Joe dirt. I believe it would look right at home in a flea market frame hanging in a double wide on a wall made of plastic fake wood paneling over a couch covered in cigarette burns and cat hair. Hell, take away the cigarette burns and that's my Mamaw's old place. Her and her cat, Kitty lived in a picturesque mobile home, mountain top in Appalachia. I come from classy stock. But at least my kin are just country as hell. Nemo's fam jam is all white trashy like. Now don't get me wrong. I am NOT hating on him or his lovely family. I am simply stating a fact. A fact that Nemo is driving home with each text. See, Nemo has his WT family in town for a visit. What is fantastic is he is sending out "White Trash Updates" Via Text. For the rest of the post Nemo's texts will be in green. My interjections? Why purple of course.

Text #1- You want whitetrash updates? Well Here is number one. Waffle House is the choice for breakfast because grandma looooves their hashbrowns and gravy. (I was under the impression, up until now, that the ONLY time you go to waffle house is post shinnanigans or to see some weird shit. The food is incidental. Hell, we're usually drunk and would eat anything as long as it was greasy and drunk-foodesque. I'm looking at you Krystal and Taco Bell for this one too. I had no idea people actually LIKED the food! BTW- I noticed one day that their menu says everything is served on REAL china.)

Fine China for your $2 Waffle and Cigarette Ash "coffee"

Text STOP to no longer receive updates from white trash reunion 2010
(Why would anyone text stop? Also probs most clever thing Nemo has ever said)
Update #2 At Wal-mart exchanging [Grandma's] jean shorts (JORTS!!!!!) because they were too small.
#3 My great aunt Jeanie wants to get a tramp stamp. Like Legit, I just won't take her to the Tattoo Parlor. She was like... I'm retired. It doesn't matter if I do something crazy. I want one like those young girls have on their lower back.. I think they're cute. She's like 70.

Artists rendering of "Aunt Jeanie" post Tattoo parlor excursion.

I have been pestering Nemo for more updates which will be on the blog Tu-rust. All I have gotten thus far is this:
Well, I was away for a little bit and now we're just watching ESPN....
Sadly I checked ESPN. It's not Nascar right now, just sports center.
Le Sigh
Gonna go ahead and post, BUT there will be updates ...hopefully
-Bitey

UPDATE!
#4- My sister "We're going to WalMart?!? I need to look good!"

Cheshire Cats and Musicial Acts

Alright. So you bitches may or may not know I am quite literally obsessed with music. I have 2 rather obese iPods, one 80 gb the other 16gb both full, plus who knows how many CDs and Vinyls. It's sad. I'm probably one music binge away from being locked up. But that's ok As long as I can take the music WITH me to the crazy house.
But see, I know I won't be alone. My dear dear friend Cheshire with be right there with me. See there are people in my life who GET music (jackaloper and Chesh) and the people who don't (EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW, and half the time Jackaloper falls into this.) It's really frustrating. Because I WANT to talk about the musics that I love. Why I love them. What they mean to me. How they move me.
I am met with blank stares at best.
Then i found Chesh.
We bonded over booze and musics.
After that how can you NOT be Biffles 4 life?
So we, in the like wow month+ we've known one another, burned about 30 CDs for each other. And since i had a pretty shitTASTIC Weds of trainwreckage (workin on the hilarity of it all for you) I received an epic amount of musics waiting at my door.
now I am spending my entire day listening to said musics discussing with Chesh via text and enjoying the Rabbit Hole i get to go down trying to figure out what the F all of it is. Sadly, this is probs the most fun i have had in weeks. lol This is not a funny post i just had to explain how much i am enjoying this. Thus far the music has taken me from HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE HAS THIS (Matt Skiba's side project Heavens) to HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG but it makes me cry!!! (Overkill- Men At Work don't even start to judge)


So yeah. '
Why can't i have more friends that get the musics??????!?!?!?!
You bitches suck
"I gots deuce deuces"- Bitey

FLASHBACK

I feel like I just stepped back in time. I talked to my friend, we'll just call him "The Mormon" since that's his most distinguishable trait and I am FAR too lazy (read: hungover) to look up a fish name for him that is fitting/funny.

He Does resemble this fish-type creature though

"The Mormon" and I met through a mutual friend probs 5 or 6 years ago. He came to visit her and for some reason I was just around the whole weekend. Anywho, this kid was oh so sheltered and naive I knew we had to be friends.
So all those years ago we hung out like a solid weekend, and have never seen each other in person again since. We stayed in touch though for many years. How? AIM! Yup. AIM.
The conversation I had with this kid i will NEVER forget? a 4 hour conversation about making a movie. OUt of the song "Ooba dee oobada life goes on oooooooooon oooooooon life goes on".
Out of Egg people.
Yes
It was epic.
He made the film.
Turned it in at BYU and got like an A or some shit.
I lurvs the Morman -Bitey

Doom Doom Doom

So Jackalope put his footdowna nd said NO when it comes to my post regarding the trainewreck that was my wed. He was there for part of it, but doesn't want his part discussed. Since that was by FAR the funniest shit that happened cuz of who we ran into there I said fuck it. No Post. Sorry. If you know me, then you've heard the story. If not and you are one of the randos out in cyber space then post a comment and maybe MAYBE i can e-mail you the story. As far as posting comments goes, I'm just gonna throw it out there. You. Bitches. Suck. You can at least do that lame ass "First!!!" stuff. If you make comments I might put a little more effort into my postings. Just sayin. But anywho I was talking to ....god knows who the other day about old cartoons and Invader Zim came up. Legit I forogt how much I love Invader Zim. Gir, Gaz, That batshit teacher. It was love at first sight back in what? '01. I was.....a freshman in highschool i think. Maybe....shit I don't reember. I just know I was a weird lil punk rock kid who though and GIR was my fav. But I a had special connection with Gaz. In fact while writing this I am watching invader zim and took a lil quizzlette from the internets.

You are game-playing, pizza-eating, perpetually-frowning goth girl Gaz. You are totally indifferent and all but immune to the terrible threats that daily loom over the Earth. But, like, who cares? You shall plunge us into a nightmare world from which there is no waking!

Take The Mighty Invader Zim Test! Don't. Judge. Me. Actually, You fuckers have a jab. Take the quizzy. Tell me who you get. Cept Nemo. You will be Gir.

GIR loves Cupcakes!

Seriously I could do a whole post on JUST GIR.
But my love my love my love fro this shit ws predestined. I already lurved

Johnny The Homicidal Maniac
and SQUEE!!

Aw. I had like flashbacks to questionable activities in my youth leading to the Discovery of Nny and Squee. Oh and Happy Noodle Boy. Le Sigh
I wanna say it was Andrea Blythe who set me on the path of the crazy. She is the one who showed me Rocky Horror for the first time. Holy god, she looked JUST like Columbia too.
I often wonder if I would be a different if I hadn't been friends with her.
Bloh well.
I love my Scary Monkey Cup-
Bitey

WHAT IN THE HELL

That is all. -Bitey

Fuck I'm like 90 on the inside

Pictured: Bitey's birthday 2009

Legit I'm an old woman. I can FEEL my youth slipping away. How do I know I'm old though? Oh god there are so many many many reasons. I mean YES I still like to go out and get mah drank on, that's not the issue. The problem is I'm old because I find myself quite often being the old fart at the party. Oh nono, I don't need another shot, I have to be at work in the morning! WHAT!?!?!?! A year ago I would have not only slammed that shot, but also challenged the other straight up alcoholics to chug some god awful undrinkable concoction of gasoline, peppermint schnapps, rubbing alcohol, moonshine and Mad Dog 20/20 (The Blue one, it's classiest and one of my old sorority colors) then SOMEHOW managed to roll my happy (still drunk) ass into work and somehow function.
Now?? Now I have a few drinks, STRUGGLE the next morning and kind of want to kill myself as I listen to the buzz of florescent lighting.
Oh the juvenile shit my friends and I would do. That they will still do, and occasionally talk me into. And by occasionally talk me into I mean they give me the idea and for some reason all the little red flags don't start waving so I become the ring leader in shenanigans again.

A typical "not being old" night out with Bitey has this many red flags.....by 6 o'clock

But my shenanigans are getting fewer and further between, and my Mom moments more frequent. God Damn It. I'm getting old. Which blows because aren't your mid-twenties supposed to be prime crazy times? I mean come on. In my circle of Biffles I am, not only the sole college graduate, but also only person with a job that does not involve the phrase "Can I get you another Coke sir, or are you ready for the check?" Now don't get me wrong, I am not hating on these people.
I actually told Cheshire earlier today how i should just stop being a big kid and come work with the rest of them. But they all go out and do WHATEVER all hours of the day and night. While i work a normal 9 to 5 and have to sleep at some point. Which is another reason I feel so old. I used to function like a normal human being, at least as normal as I ever was, on 1 maybe 2 hours of sleep. But now if i don't get at least 5 hours of sleep a night, i can't function. At all. And God knows as soon as I get home from work I'm a take a nap. And don't even get my started on my secret stash of energy drinks hidden in my office.

I believe my "blood" is more blue monster than either blood or booze

But none of these things are really what makes me an old lady. Yeah, they make me OLD but not old as hell. Which is what I am.
Number 1- I live with no Cable or Internet. Yup, i have to gank internets from friends, family and co-workers. Really, its a problem. (Part of why i totals suck at blogging religiously.) Also lack of cable has cut me off from a good bit of popular culture. SO when people talk about rando shit on like HBO or Fuck even Comedy Central so on and so forth I have no idea whats going on. I also have REALLY shitty antenna TV, which i rarely watch, sooooo yeah fuck TV. Pretty much the only TV shows I watch are Big Bang Theory and Glee. Cuz I'm cool like that.

2- because I have no TV or Internets at home, I read. A lot. And not normal stuff, like non-fiction.

3- Because of my lacking in pop culture knowledge of TV, internet and "literature" I have NO GOD DAMN CLUE about Harry Potter, Twilight any of that crap. I'm sorry I was in middle school or some shit when Potter came out. I remember the dumb twats reading that crap and do book reports, while I would do book reports on, ya know, real books. So when i went to college and people were CRYING OVER HARRY POTTER I couldn't handle it. I refused to learn about it, and thus totals missed a cultural train entirely. But oh sweet god, did i get to see one of the Potter movies on opening night. I, in my eternal nerdiness, was like the stereotypical jock walking in on the chess club. Mocking the grown ass men dressed up as, what i refered to as "The golden Snatch" (apparently it's a snitch). I also greatly frustered those around me to the point they asked me waht i knew. Hand to god I said "Well...>I know there are like 4 houses. There is the Bubble house for the dumb kids, the Griffin Dorm, i think they are supposed to be heros or some bullshit, oh the Bird House for all the smart kids and the Snake House for all the bad people....i think it's green" Not only did i make an entire theatre twitch, but I made a 40+ year old man lose his shit. His eyeliner lightning bolt even came off. I proceeded to listen to my iPod and ask questions loudly during the rest of the movie, cuz i liked watching the vein in Mr. I'm-over-40-and-dressed-like-a-children's-book-character's neck pulse

4) I hate WOW. There, I said it. Nerds of the world unite against me. It's retarded. I played it once, killed some bitches, got kileld said "Fuck this shit" was forced to play on someone's account. Killed their flying beast thing. They said "fuck this shit". Game over. I know a lot of people who play and still think of this:

That's actually not South park, but Jackalope and his friends on a Friday night

5)- i LOVE the retro channel on my antenna TV. Old School Hulk with Lou Fargino, Wolf Man Jack's B Horror movies, ANYTHING with fucking Vincent Price (Personal fav would be "Dr. Goldfoot and his Bakini Machine) I'm sorry, TV was just BETTER back in the day, just like granma says.

6) FUCK 4 Square! Fuck Twittering about where you are. Call me old fashioned but i don't need everyone and their mother knowing where i am every second of the day,. MAINLY because NO ONE CARES. Seriously. no one gives a fuck you just made a sammich and are on your way to work in sweatpants. No one CARES you totals just drank a bottle of jack in your car.

Except Big Brother, but he already knew

Seriously. I really don't think I need to put on Facebook, Twitter, 4 Square or anything else what I'm doing 24/7. I mean If you care where I am or what i'm doing you can always call me or text me. Or creepily memorize my sched and wait for me outside of my apartment (Gyarr and Jackaloper I'm lookin at you on that one). And if you don't care, you won't want to read my 4 square or twitter or facebook. And If you are an ex/no longer my friend/ boss/mother, I don't need you facebook stalking me and being able to figure out I'm ACTUALLY at a bar knocking back half price jager bombs on a Sunday afternoon rather than at church like the good Southern Belle you think i am.

So fuck it. I'm old.

Off to buy hard candies and "Aud de Granma" - Bitey

You're Love Your Love Is My Drug

And I bet for 1/2 a second you thought I meant I had some romanticals news
No No No, I don't DO Romantical. Just Not very Bitey.

Pictured- my heart and lack of soul

However, Nemo and I have a new song. Oh Nemo, my biffles for life. He and I have gotten into quite a few shinnanigans over the years. Including but not limited to, being thrown out of SEVERAL bars (including a gay male strip club) countless adventures to nowhere, ganking shit off the road and from friends while intoxicated, a faux engagement misadventure, (from which i retain the title of "Not Wife") so on and so forth.

Previously our "song" was Akon- Nobody want to see us together. Yup that gem. And TRUST when we saw Akon this year we had a girl and her gay hug/screamfest moment when he played that song. Talking JUST short of tears.
This song followed us everywhere we went. Get in the car? AKON Go to a bar? AKON! movies? AKON! Party? AKON!
It was as if some higher power was saying "You two are a match made in Hell, NOBODY wants ya'll to be biffles. K. Thanx BYE! -The Cosmos"

Messenger of the God's since 2006

Now the song that follows us like Herpes is KeSha "You're Love Is My Drug"

Which really is just the nail in the coffin that Nemo + Bitey= Awkward Co-Dependence for Life

If i can have a picture of Ke$ha and the American Flag on my blog i will do it. Everytime.

So I'm not sure how the universe decided that 1) Nemo and I were perfect for one another in theat super F'ed way that we are (I would assume it threw up it's hands in defeat and gave up) 2) Why it has to be this song that lets us know. I mean aren't there 800,000 other Biffles songs? I am fully aware at the level of bizzare Nemo and I's relationship is. We have entire conversations with one look, hell we share a brain at this point. Not a joke guys. It's not uncommon (read: daily) that we will think and say the exact same thing at the exact moment. And it's not normal shit. It's crap from left field like "Make everyone twins" and "Electric Toilet"
The basis for our bond is I'm a hateful bitch, he is becoming a catty gay together we make the world weep.
Though at times he is still shocked at the level of evil that will spew forth from my mouth. I have no idea why. On the other hand I am always shocked when he gets a reference I make to anything musical. As in so shocked he gets a "point" each time he gets it, or makes one of his own. We have been Biffles for 4 years. He has 7 points, as of last night. Sooooo there's that.

Let's see what else has been going on.....
I met The Swell Season. I swooned.
Doesn't really pertain to anything, just wanted to gloat a bit.

Actually Legit, I am in love with this music. And I have NO IDEA WHY! I normally love weird, bizarre music. Such as Zombina and The Skeletones or Gogol Bordello. The Swell Season is singer/songwriter folksy music. And it makes me fall in love with it EVERY DAMN TIME.
Not going to lie, I teared up at the show. Me. With the black hole for a soul. It's not fair.

A lot of it is totals "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To" too. I'm not the most emotionally stable human being. I'm just saying Me + bottle of ANYTHING + Swell Season would = a very dark and scary journey into that black hole inside. I'm not sure if I would come back the same person, or if i'd go all Sam Neil in Event Horizon and come back all murder-y

With the right accessories I think it could be a good look for me.

Le Sigh.
Truth is my heart is in there somewhere. Crying like an emokid on....well fuck, a tuesday. Waiting to be pulled from the black hole. Because lets face it, it's dark and scary in there.

Ugh I'm just not funny today
Toodles
-Bitey