Pimps, Trannys and Tourists, oh my.....

So just going to give you a full bullet points to highlight the wtf that is my life

- I discussed the pros and cons of dating a tranny with a dear friend of mine. I asked why I was the one fortunate enough to receive this call. his response? Because he didn't know anyone else it would seem appropriate. So i guess score one for my "I'm super tolerant" card. 2 more convos like that and I have enough punches that I can't be convicted of a hate crime AND i get a free slushie

-Chesh has a telephone jack int he bathroom of his new house. I am equally delighted and disturbed by this.

-I got to be involved in some tourist photos today. My office is about a block away from a few very touristy type spots in my city, and I frequently have to walk through one of these to pick up sushi for the office. (Yup, i'm that douche bag). Today there was a Latino family posing infront of fountains and street signs blah blah blah taking photos. The dad grabbed me and asked me to be in one of their photos because they wanted a "native" in the picture.
A Native? Native what?!

Bitey's Monday Morning office attire.

I hate to break it to these cats, but I'm not a native in any sense of the word. I am your typically white girl mutt breading of a few drops of eveywhere in Europe, and I'm not a native to the city I currently live. Yes I've been here going on 7years, but that's not a native.

That is where I am a "native", complete with state motto. that I wear proudly on my Laundry Day T-Shirt

- Same trip through this particular part of town I walked alongside, without speaking, to a pimp. This is not "I'm profiling and assuming the man in a blue and silver thick pin striped suit with silver wingtips, hat with feathers, and pimp cane". This dude is a pimp. Gold teeth glimmering in the sun and everything.

It even inspired the following:

Oh scary pimp man, with your pimp cane in your big pimp hands.
Why do you come out in the day? Are you taking your Ho's out to play?
Your pimp suit is so fine with it's bold silver stripes and blinged out tie.
Your face looks like it has been shanked, by a hundred different skanks
who didn't know with whom they had fucked.
Oh Scary Pimp dude with your swingin attitude
Why does yo' grill gleam? Are so fresh and so clean clean?
Your pimp hat so grand, with peacock feathers in the band.
You make this white girl tremble in fear because you are so near.
Vanilla does not need to be my new name.
So be free pimp man, with your pimp cane in your pimp hand, to rule the bitches with your gilded fist!

And I believe i am done for the day.

"No No NO! It's a Pimp Named Slickback, like A Tribe Called Quest. You say the whole thing!" So for today my pimp name is "A Shark Named Bite Back" -Bitey

Touche Karma Touche

Ugh. How the hell does my debit card get stolen when I go out and don't spend a dime. Jackalope and I went to Hell's Wells and The Plaza last night and since he STILL had not gotten me my owl beer for taking care of his cat, all was on him.

Tastes like love, and yes I have made earrings from the bottle caps with the oh so cute owl.

And some how I lost my god damn debit card. So now i have LESS than no money. What is that you say? yes yes it IS time to pay my rent. With no money. yahoo. Touche karma. I get it. Don't go out on a rando wednesday til 4 in the morning "hootin, hollarin and swarpin" and my dad would say. God but you know what. Fuck it. Totes worth it. I have vauge memories of discussing what our spirit animals would be last night. It was THAT kind of drunk night. Spirit animals. Apparently Jackalope did not like being told that I thought his spirit animal would be a mouse. Probs becuase when you think of a spirit animal you think of this

not this

I believe we established mine was a "canine of sorts", but i think that was just drunk-alope calling me a bitch. . . . So i did a lil quizzy online and it said I tied! I guess that means I get 2 spirit animals. score. Says I am a Owl and a Fox. For Owls it said "Human lie-detectors

Owls are keen, perceptive and skeptical. You're adept at getting to the truth, making you an ideal investigator or attorney. Your insights into the less honorable side of human nature can make you a bit cynical, but your numerous friends appreciate the dark sense of humor it brings.

And fox "Stealth, night vision, ability to read and manipulate others' emotions

Foxes are clever, perceptive, and shrewd. You're happiest working behind the scenes, pulling strings and watching others dance to your imperceptible tune. Independent yet highly social, you glide among your circles of acquaintance with ease, sharing your sharp wit or a delicious piece of gossip."

Pretty Accurate. Awesome, I am a dark brooding gossip whore. I'm glad my spirit animals can guide me to a better me....

End goal of my spirit animals is to make me Batgirl

Back to Karma kicking my ass. So jackaloper finally gets me somewhere between 4am and the end of time and i immediatly pass the fuck out.
In doing so i totes did NOT set my alarm. Thank god my crazy ass dog does not like to let me sleep. I woke up 45 minutes late. Not as in over slept gotta rush to make in on time. No no. as in 45 minutes late to work. Saving grace- I live 2 minutes from my office.

Thank you Bajebus.

Then the hangover hits,. Oh and while i was at the bank the teller informs me you can totes see my pink and gray polka dot bra though my shirt.

I'm not sure which is worse, being OBVIOUSLY transitioning from day time drunk to hungover, having my card stolen, or being told by a 45 year old bank teller who looks like something from Ursala's Garden that you can see my bra.

This is what told me,"Ma'am, I don't care if you think it's fashionable, it's inappropriate to have your bra visable. Your debit card will be in the mail in a week"

So since today is basically the biggest fail for a loooong time I said FUCK IT! I am watching youtube and netflix all day today at work. Right now I am flipping between The Little Mermaid (Thank you Mr. Nosey Bank Teller) and Dead and Breakfast, one of the greatest bad movies ever.

I am including the best moment in cinema ever. Zombies. Line dancing Thriller. Keep your eyes on the Sheriff, bitch commits. And speaking of bitches, check the trick with the TAMBOURINE!!

Blood is as Sweet as Moonshine Whiskey, espcially when most of my blood right now is Whiskey- Bitey