Friday, June 25, 2010

My apartment looks like a dorm room threw up

And I am so fucking sick of it it's not even funny.
SOOOOO
This weekend is going to be phase one of grown-up-ification
Gyarr and I will be sanding, painting and all around making all the furniture in house MATCH. FINALLY.
It's all hand me down and free, so I just want it to look decent.
Next step is oging to be curtains and better lighting, then wall decor gets updated.
Basically, I want it to look like someone who is 25 and has a JOB lives there instead of some 19 year old kid who just moved out of the dorms.
Anyone got any cool ideas for me?

Monday, June 21, 2010

We are the girls of Rock'n Roll-ah!



Legit i don't know what I would do without YouTube.
Oh wait I know one thing I would do, NOT make an ass out of myself at work.
See.....what ha'happened was I THOUGHT I was alone in the office so I was shamelessly listening to shit like JabberJaw and The Chipmunks.
I was rather unconsciously beboppin to the music when my boss came by and tapped me on the shoulder. APPARENTLY she had been trying to talk to me for a couple of minutes but I was in my own god damn little world.
Boss wasn't even mad it was sooooo funny apparently.
F my life......
But here is more of the Chipmunk's Great Adventure. One of my favorite movies from my childhood.

The lost Chipette- Bitey

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fuck Disney, King's Island is the happiest place on Earth

That's right, I said it. Send the mouse after me, I'll take him out. I'm from an area of the country that's not the South not the North and not quite the Midwest either. We have an amalgam of lovely strangeness and that's why I am who I am. Not the point.
Point is I was BLESSED to get to go to King's Island every summer from in-utero to now.
I have so many memories with that place.
My first roller coaster
Seeing my first person cry AND hurl on a ride

Getting a sex talk from my mother in the middle of international street because I asked to hang out with an older boy

Making out with randos on church/ school trips
Outdoor concerts

Skipping work to go

The greatest picture EVER taken of a A Thronberry It is the happiest place on earth.
And for some reason even though I get lost in my own neighborhood, by god I can navigate that park like I have fucking GPS in my head.

I remember as a child wanting nothing more than to live in Hanna Barberra land (Kiddie land) with Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, Bam Bam, Winny the Witch and Jabber Jaw.
I am no afraid to admit, I am in my midtwenties and still feel like a 4 year old on a Carousel. And this was the most magical of all.
Do you see Jabber Jaw there? You sat in his tail and got to ride in a Jabber Jaw hug.
A HUG. From a SHARK. Hello! My name is BITEY. Why would i NOT love this?
But all the baby kids wanted to ride in a Jabber Jaw, so i said fuck it and pulled a kid OUT of Jabber Jaw's loving grasp. I did not care. He was mine. I told that kid he could ride with Yogi, he said Yogi sucks. I agreed and he pouted and rode in the Flintstones car.

There was also a Smurf boat ride. Think It's a Small World, but instead of a souless rainbow of children singing about the one moon and one golden sun, it had Gargamel and some awkward robotic smerfs singing fa la la la la la la la la la la!
It was actually creepier than it looks.

The only evidence left in park of the Smurfs is the single greatest confection on the planet. Smurf Ice Cream. Blueberry and Vanilla swirl. Cover it in Sprinkles and it's as gay as Vanity Smurf and makes me feel like a 5 year old.
You cannot go and NOT have this.

My vision of heaven is feasting on Smurf Ice Cream riding the Carousel in Jabber Jaws loving fins.

I was heartbroken to find out that this year they are renovating kiddie land to be Snoopy. SNOOPY!?!?!?! Fuck Snoopy and Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty and Woodstock. No one cares about Snoopy, especially when he's going to replace Scooby Fuckin' Doo.
In the 38 years King's Island has graced the planet with it's presense Scooby Doo has been a fixture. This is the first year EVER Scooby won't be in the park.
It's the end of an era.
RIP Scooby Dooby Doo
But I will remain loyal. I will make the trek to Cinncinati at some point this summer and proudly meander through the park with my vintage King's Island T-shirt and Bright Orange Hoodie.

Longing for the loving embrace of my first true love, Jabber Jaw- Bitey





Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Songs to Slit Your Wrists To

Part masochism, part unfortunate shuffling on my iPod. See, I hit shuffle and forgot to turn off all Passenger, Ingrid Michelson and anything else from my Summer of Lurvs 09 playlist. And what came on? Why the #1 song from that summer





This song single handedly could bring me to tears for months after The Summer of Lurvs died. To quote John Denver, the end of TSoL was "the day the muuuuuusic died" So I am going to give you a list of songs that can, and will, take Bitey to a dark place. The aforementioned song gets top spot, so we'll go from there.......

Alright next is .........
Gabriel and the Vagabond- Foy Vance


Um Even MY black heart never stood a chance with this. OK so first off this was Boy Who Shall Not Be Named's favorite song. So it's a nice lil sore spot still just for that. Dude we weren't even together for THAT long (other than the years of friendship....) BUT anyway. Secondly listen to the lyrics. It's about a homeless dude who gave up on god, found god and is now going to help change this other girl's world. No joke, I cannot and never have been able to, listen to this song without tearing up when he says "She never was a fighter/til he laid down beside her/and gently whispered Hope" If you don't melt at that, you have less of a soul than me.

Number 3- Chipette's- My Mother

Whoa, bet you weren't expecting that one. Since i was a baby-kid this song illicites nothing but big cartoonish tears and wailing from me. TSoL made me think I was invulnerable to this shit. I was wrong. I bawled. Then after the breakup, I bawled more. God damn. I am lame
On to selection

#4- Dashboard Confessional- Hands Down


It's actually a scientific fact you cannot have a "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To: AKA Depression-fest" playlist without at least 1 Dashboard song of Emo-ness
On a scale of 1- hella lame where do i fall in regard to this song?
It was Boy's ring tone

Judge away, I don't even care anymore


#5 Ingrid Michaelson- Corner of Your Heart


Vom worthy, I know. But hey, it was a different time, a different Bitey. I mean, I can't always be the amazing bad ass you know and love........... Ok so i can't always be the awkward lunatic you all know and love, happy? Everyone once in a blue moon I'm allowed to have you know... the F word (Feelings! Get your mind out of the gutter Sheesh who you think i am??)
#6 More Than Anyone- Gavin Degraw

Gettin' serious now with the lurvy durvy-ness. Legit, Chompers and I had an ENTIRE like multi hour playlist on my iPod we would listen to and have girl/gay gushfests over these dudes. Chompers and I always has this strange knack for meeting, falling for and being crushed by about the same dude at about the same time. Usually off by about 2 weeks. So at least we know what's going to happen for the other. This particular summer was no different. We were living together at the time so we had the
time to sit and gush and be all cutesy lurvy dourvy. We then also had the time to cry, eat rainbow cake, drink and bemoan our heartbreaks togehter as well.

We're going to round out the play list with two songs I would like to dedicate to that summer, Chompers and I's ultimate heartbreaks and those jerks who did us wrong! Both by the greatest band known to man: Alkaline Trio
Radio "I wish you, would take my radio to bath with you, plugged in and ready to fall"



and

This is Getting Over You- Alkaline Trio


Oh Alkaline. You may not write very good love songs, but fuck off songs, you are masters.


So yeah. Go F yourselves dudes. haha Chomp and I are totals over it. yeah.... totals.
Thanks for going down memory lane with me. Here's to a summer of nothing even close to last.
-Salt Water Tears just make my tank deeper
Bitey

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Do Sharks get Sinus infections?

The answer to both questions is, of course, yes.
I am trying SOOO freakin' hard to post more guys. I know the quality was never that high to begin with, but suck it, it's probs gonna slip a little more since I'm going from at least every other day posts.

First of all- My head= Musinex mascot housing project.
This fucker and aaaaaaaaaaaall his buddies from down at the docks/ factories/ construction site have decided to take a vacation.
In my face.
Ugh this blows.
God i knew it was bad when.....this might be TMI but I really don't care.....I had a more-than-twenty-minute nose bleed. Legit. I sneezed and then it was like my nose was on it's period. I wanted to die. Then my Demon Puppy (DP for short) whom i love dearly ate the klenex. I made her sleep in her chair, she was not crawling in my bed after that. It was that gross.
What I don't get is I can breathe, but everything in my face hurts. One of my eyes is even kinda puffy. I realized this as I tried, in vein, to put on eyeliner this morning.
Let's go play on WebMD and see what it says. 1- Cuz it's fun and 2- I am FAR too cheap to go to the real doctor.
OK So according to WebMD I may have the following:
*Nasal Irritation - wouldn't that be a sympton not a diagnosis?
*Foreign Object in my nose - Um, when I saw this all I could think of was Homer Simpsona nd the Crayons
*Accute Sinusitis- My money is on this one
*Nasal Dryness
*Chronic Sinusitis- hee hee Chronic. All that makes me want to do is listen to some old school Dre
*Polyps
*Broken Nose
*Hay Fever
*Aspirin Use- how much Aspirin does it take to F up your nose like this!?!
*Pink Eye
*Excessive Cocaine use
Wait..... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WebMD thinks i have a Coke problem because my sinuses aren't right? I'm a little offended WebMD. First of all, I may have done some shady things in the past. I mean God knows it will never be Bitey for President.....ever. But coke is something I never fucked with.
She never did coke either , Just has REALLY bad sinus problems.

I mean I get the connection, but really WebMD!?!? If you are going to accuse me of being a drug addict can't you at least ask me if I have done drugs?

Ugh I can't handle this right now. I just want to go home, curl up with my evil dog in my owl jammie shorts and Teddy Bear hospital T-shirt (circa 1990) and watch Arrested Development in a medicated haze.
I have a fever too. At least according to the ONLY thermometer I own. Which is a Candy thermometer. Which I guess is better than none at all. i just don't know how accurate it if on....people.
My mom got it for me for Christmas because of my old lady hobby of baking. I have used it for baking/candy making maybe MAYBE twice. Instead every time my air breaks/ I am too lazy to try and read where the little line is, I use it to figure out how hot/cold my apartment really is. This time I decided to see if it would work on me. Don't worry, I washed it!
But yeah, it said I was at 100 even. Who knows if it's right.
Taking someone's temp with a candy thermometer seems like the set up of an epic yo mama so fat joke, but alas, I'm just not that good.

*sniffle sniffle* - Bitey

Monday, June 7, 2010

Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?

Why yes, That IS a quote from Joe Dirt. And Yes that IS an epic painting of Joe dirt. I believe it would look right at home in a flea market frame hanging in a double wide on a wall made of plastic fake wood paneling over a couch covered in cigarette burns and cat hair. Hell, take away the cigarette burns and that's my Mamaw's old place. Her and her cat, Kitty lived in a picturesque mobile home, mountain top in Appalachia. I come from classy stock. But at least my kin are just country as hell. Nemo's fam jam is all white trashy like. Now don't get me wrong. I am NOT hating on him or his lovely family. I am simply stating a fact. A fact that Nemo is driving home with each text. See, Nemo has his WT family in town for a visit. What is fantastic is he is sending out "White Trash Updates" Via Text. For the rest of the post Nemo's texts will be in green. My interjections? Why purple of course.
Text #1- You want whitetrash updates? Well Here is number one. Waffle House is the choice for breakfast because grandma looooves their hashbrowns and gravy. (I was under the impression, up until now, that the ONLY time you go to waffle house is post shinnanigans or to see some weird shit. The food is incidental. Hell, we're usually drunk and would eat anything as long as it was greasy and drunk-foodesque. I'm looking at you Krystal and Taco Bell for this one too. I had no idea people actually LIKED the food! BTW- I noticed one day that their menu says everything is served on REAL china.)
Fine China for your $2 Waffle and Cigarette Ash "coffee"

Text STOP to no longer receive updates from white trash reunion 2010

(Why would anyone text stop? Also probs most clever thing Nemo has ever said)
Update #2 At Wal-mart exchanging [Grandma's] jean shorts (JORTS!!!!!) because they were too small.
#3 My great aunt Jeanie wants to get a tramp stamp. Like Legit, I just won't take her to the Tattoo Parlor. She was like... I'm retired. It doesn't matter if I do something crazy. I want one like those young girls have on their lower back.. I think they're cute. She's like 70.

Artists rendering of "Aunt Jeanie" post Tattoo parlor excursion.

I have been pestering Nemo for more updates
which will be on the blog Tu-rust. All I have gotten thus far is this:

Well, I was away for a little bit and now we're just watching ESPN....
Sadly I checked ESPN. It's not Nascar right now, just sports center.
Le Sigh
Gonna go ahead and post, BUT there will be updates ...hopefully
-Bitey

UPDATE!
#4- My sister "We're going to WalMart?!? I need to look good!"

Friday, June 4, 2010

Cheshire Cats and Musicial Acts


Alright. So you bitches may or may not know I am quite literally obsessed with music. I have 2 rather obese iPods, one 80 gb the other 16gb both full, plus who knows how many CDs and Vinyls. It's sad. I'm probably one music binge away from being locked up. But that's ok As long as I can take the music WITH me to the crazy house.
But see, I know I won't be alone. My dear dear friend Cheshire with be right there with me. See there are people in my life who GET music (jackaloper and Chesh) and the people who don't (EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW, and half the time Jackaloper falls into this.) It's really frustrating. Because I WANT to talk about the musics that I love. Why I love them. What they mean to me. How they move me.
I am met with blank stares at best.

Then i found Chesh.
We bonded over booze and musics.

After that how can you NOT be Biffles 4 life?
So we, in the like wow month+ we've known one another, burned about 30 CDs for each other. And since i had a pretty shitTASTIC Weds of trainwreckage (workin on the hilarity of it all for you) I received an epic amount of musics waiting at my door.
now I am spending my entire day listening to said musics discussing with Chesh via text and enjoying the Rabbit Hole i get to go down trying to figure out what the F all of it is.
Sadly, this is probs the most fun i have had in weeks. lol This is not a funny post i just had to explain how much i am enjoying this. Thus far the music has taken me from HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE HAS THIS (Matt Skiba's side project Heavens) to HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG but it makes me cry!!! (Overkill- Men At Work don't even start to judge)


So yeah. '
Why can't i have more friends that get the musics??????!?!?!?!
You bitches suck
"I gots deuce deuces"- Bitey

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

FLASHBACK

I feel like I just stepped back in time. I talked to my friend, we'll just call him "The Mormon" since that's his most distinguishable trait and I am FAR too lazy (read: hungover) to look up a fish name for him that is fitting/funny.
He Does resemble this fish-type creature though

"The Mormon" and I met through a mutual friend probs 5 or 6 years ago. He came to visit her and for some reason I was just around the whole weekend. Anywho, this kid was oh so sheltered and naive I knew we had to be friends.
So all those years ago we hung out like a solid weekend, and have never seen each other in person again since. We stayed in touch though for many years. How? AIM! Yup. AIM.
The conversation I had with this kid i will NEVER forget? a 4 hour conversation about making a movie. OUt of the song "Ooba dee oobada life goes on oooooooooon oooooooon life goes on".
Out of Egg people.
Yes
It was epic.
He made the film.
Turned it in at BYU and got like an A or some shit.
I lurvs the Morman -Bitey

Doom Doom Doom

So Jackalope put his footdowna nd said NO when it comes to my post regarding the trainewreck that was my wed. He was there for part of it, but doesn't want his part discussed. Since that was by FAR the funniest shit that happened cuz of who we ran into there I said fuck it. No Post. Sorry. If you know me, then you've heard the story. If not and you are one of the randos out in cyber space then post a comment and maybe MAYBE i can e-mail you the story. As far as posting comments goes, I'm just gonna throw it out there. You. Bitches. Suck. You can at least do that lame ass "First!!!" stuff. If you make comments I might put a little more effort into my postings. Just sayin. But anywho I was talking to ....god knows who the other day about old cartoons and Invader Zim came up. Legit I forogt how much I love Invader Zim. Gir, Gaz, That batshit teacher. It was love at first sight back in what? '01. I was.....a freshman in highschool i think. Maybe....shit I don't reember. I just know I was a weird lil punk rock kid who though and GIR was my fav. But I a had special connection with Gaz. In fact while writing this I am watching invader zim and took a lil quizzlette from the internets.
I am trying to draw a little piggy!

You are game-playing, pizza-eating, perpetually-frowning goth girl Gaz. You are totally indifferent and all but immune to the terrible threats that daily loom over the Earth. But, like, who cares?

You shall plunge us into a nightmare world from which there is no waking!

Take The Mighty Invader Zim Test!
Don't. Judge. Me. Actually, You fuckers have a jab. Take the quizzy. Tell me who you get. Cept Nemo. You will be Gir.
GIR loves Cupcakes!
Seriously I could do a whole post on JUST GIR.
But my love my love my love fro this shit ws predestined. I already lurved
Johnny The Homicidal Maniac
and SQUEE!!

Aw. I had like flashbacks to questionable activities in my youth leading to the Discovery of Nny and Squee. Oh and Happy Noodle Boy. Le Sigh
I wanna say it was Andrea Blythe who set me on the path of the crazy. She is the one who showed me Rocky Horror for the first time. Holy god, she looked JUST like Columbia too.
I often wonder if I would be a different if I hadn't been friends with her.
Bloh well.
I love my Scary Monkey Cup-
Bitey

Tuesday, June 1, 2010