Pimps, Trannys and Tourists, oh my.....

So just going to give you a full bullet points to highlight the wtf that is my life

- I discussed the pros and cons of dating a tranny with a dear friend of mine. I asked why I was the one fortunate enough to receive this call. his response? Because he didn't know anyone else it would seem appropriate. So i guess score one for my "I'm super tolerant" card. 2 more convos like that and I have enough punches that I can't be convicted of a hate crime AND i get a free slushie

-Chesh has a telephone jack int he bathroom of his new house. I am equally delighted and disturbed by this.

-I got to be involved in some tourist photos today. My office is about a block away from a few very touristy type spots in my city, and I frequently have to walk through one of these to pick up sushi for the office. (Yup, i'm that douche bag). Today there was a Latino family posing infront of fountains and street signs blah blah blah taking photos. The dad grabbed me and asked me to be in one of their photos because they wanted a "native" in the picture.
A Native? Native what?!

Bitey's Monday Morning office attire.

I hate to break it to these cats, but I'm not a native in any sense of the word. I am your typically white girl mutt breading of a few drops of eveywhere in Europe, and I'm not a native to the city I currently live. Yes I've been here going on 7years, but that's not a native.

That is where I am a "native", complete with state motto. that I wear proudly on my Laundry Day T-Shirt

- Same trip through this particular part of town I walked alongside, without speaking, to a pimp. This is not "I'm profiling and assuming the man in a blue and silver thick pin striped suit with silver wingtips, hat with feathers, and pimp cane". This dude is a pimp. Gold teeth glimmering in the sun and everything.

It even inspired the following:

Oh scary pimp man, with your pimp cane in your big pimp hands.
Why do you come out in the day? Are you taking your Ho's out to play?
Your pimp suit is so fine with it's bold silver stripes and blinged out tie.
Your face looks like it has been shanked, by a hundred different skanks
who didn't know with whom they had fucked.
Oh Scary Pimp dude with your swingin attitude
Why does yo' grill gleam? Are so fresh and so clean clean?
Your pimp hat so grand, with peacock feathers in the band.
You make this white girl tremble in fear because you are so near.
Vanilla does not need to be my new name.
So be free pimp man, with your pimp cane in your pimp hand, to rule the bitches with your gilded fist!

And I believe i am done for the day.

"No No NO! It's a Pimp Named Slickback, like A Tribe Called Quest. You say the whole thing!" So for today my pimp name is "A Shark Named Bite Back" -Bitey

Touche Karma Touche

Ugh. How the hell does my debit card get stolen when I go out and don't spend a dime. Jackalope and I went to Hell's Wells and The Plaza last night and since he STILL had not gotten me my owl beer for taking care of his cat, all was on him.

Tastes like love, and yes I have made earrings from the bottle caps with the oh so cute owl.

And some how I lost my god damn debit card. So now i have LESS than no money. What is that you say? yes yes it IS time to pay my rent. With no money. yahoo. Touche karma. I get it. Don't go out on a rando wednesday til 4 in the morning "hootin, hollarin and swarpin" and my dad would say. God but you know what. Fuck it. Totes worth it. I have vauge memories of discussing what our spirit animals would be last night. It was THAT kind of drunk night. Spirit animals. Apparently Jackalope did not like being told that I thought his spirit animal would be a mouse. Probs becuase when you think of a spirit animal you think of this

not this

I believe we established mine was a "canine of sorts", but i think that was just drunk-alope calling me a bitch. . . . So i did a lil quizzy online and it said I tied! I guess that means I get 2 spirit animals. score. Says I am a Owl and a Fox. For Owls it said "Human lie-detectors

Owls are keen, perceptive and skeptical. You're adept at getting to the truth, making you an ideal investigator or attorney. Your insights into the less honorable side of human nature can make you a bit cynical, but your numerous friends appreciate the dark sense of humor it brings.

And fox "Stealth, night vision, ability to read and manipulate others' emotions

Foxes are clever, perceptive, and shrewd. You're happiest working behind the scenes, pulling strings and watching others dance to your imperceptible tune. Independent yet highly social, you glide among your circles of acquaintance with ease, sharing your sharp wit or a delicious piece of gossip."

Pretty Accurate. Awesome, I am a dark brooding gossip whore. I'm glad my spirit animals can guide me to a better me....

End goal of my spirit animals is to make me Batgirl

Back to Karma kicking my ass. So jackaloper finally gets me somewhere between 4am and the end of time and i immediatly pass the fuck out.
In doing so i totes did NOT set my alarm. Thank god my crazy ass dog does not like to let me sleep. I woke up 45 minutes late. Not as in over slept gotta rush to make in on time. No no. as in 45 minutes late to work. Saving grace- I live 2 minutes from my office.

Thank you Bajebus.

Then the hangover hits,. Oh and while i was at the bank the teller informs me you can totes see my pink and gray polka dot bra though my shirt.

I'm not sure which is worse, being OBVIOUSLY transitioning from day time drunk to hungover, having my card stolen, or being told by a 45 year old bank teller who looks like something from Ursala's Garden that you can see my bra.

This is what told me,"Ma'am, I don't care if you think it's fashionable, it's inappropriate to have your bra visable. Your debit card will be in the mail in a week"

So since today is basically the biggest fail for a loooong time I said FUCK IT! I am watching youtube and netflix all day today at work. Right now I am flipping between The Little Mermaid (Thank you Mr. Nosey Bank Teller) and Dead and Breakfast, one of the greatest bad movies ever.

I am including the best moment in cinema ever. Zombies. Line dancing Thriller. Keep your eyes on the Sheriff, bitch commits. And speaking of bitches, check the trick with the TAMBOURINE!!

Blood is as Sweet as Moonshine Whiskey, espcially when most of my blood right now is Whiskey- Bitey

My apartment looks like a dorm room threw up

And I am so fucking sick of it it's not even funny.
SOOOOO
This weekend is going to be phase one of grown-up-ification
Gyarr and I will be sanding, painting and all around making all the furniture in house MATCH. FINALLY.
It's all hand me down and free, so I just want it to look decent.
Next step is oging to be curtains and better lighting, then wall decor gets updated.
Basically, I want it to look like someone who is 25 and has a JOB lives there instead of some 19 year old kid who just moved out of the dorms.
Anyone got any cool ideas for me?

We are the girls of Rock'n Roll-ah!

Legit i don't know what I would do without YouTube.
Oh wait I know one thing I would do, NOT make an ass out of myself at work.
See.....what ha'happened was I THOUGHT I was alone in the office so I was shamelessly listening to shit like JabberJaw and The Chipmunks.
I was rather unconsciously beboppin to the music when my boss came by and tapped me on the shoulder. APPARENTLY she had been trying to talk to me for a couple of minutes but I was in my own god damn little world.
Boss wasn't even mad it was sooooo funny apparently.
F my life......
But here is more of the Chipmunk's Great Adventure. One of my favorite movies from my childhood.

The lost Chipette- Bitey

Fuck Disney, King's Island is the happiest place on Earth

That's right, I said it. Send the mouse after me, I'll take him out. I'm from an area of the country that's not the South not the North and not quite the Midwest either. We have an amalgam of lovely strangeness and that's why I am who I am. Not the point.
Point is I was BLESSED to get to go to King's Island every summer from in-utero to now. I have so many memories with that place.
My first roller coaster
Seeing my first person cry AND hurl on a ride
Getting a sex talk from my mother in the middle of international street because I asked to hang out with an older boy
Making out with randos on church/ school trips
Outdoor concerts
Skipping work to go
The greatest picture EVER taken of a A Thronberry It is the happiest place on earth.
And for some reason even though I get lost in my own neighborhood, by god I can navigate that park like I have fucking GPS in my head.
I remember as a child wanting nothing more than to live in Hanna Barberra land (Kiddie land) with Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, Bam Bam, Winny the Witch and Jabber Jaw. I am no afraid to admit, I am in my midtwenties and still feel like a 4 year old on a Carousel. And this was the most magical of all.
Do you see Jabber Jaw there? You sat in his tail and got to ride in a Jabber Jaw hug.
A HUG. From a SHARK. Hello! My name is BITEY. Why would i NOT love this? But all the baby kids wanted to ride in a Jabber Jaw, so i said fuck it and pulled a kid OUT of Jabber Jaw's loving grasp. I did not care. He was mine. I told that kid he could ride with Yogi, he said Yogi sucks. I agreed and he pouted and rode in the Flintstones car.

There was also a Smurf boat ride. Think It's a Small World, but instead of a souless rainbow of children singing about the one moon and one golden sun, it had Gargamel and some awkward robotic smerfs singing fa la la la la la la la la la la!

It was actually creepier than it looks.

The only evidence left in park of the Smurfs is the single greatest confection on the planet. Smurf Ice Cream. Blueberry and Vanilla swirl. Cover it in Sprinkles and it's as gay as Vanity Smurf and makes me feel like a 5 year old.

You cannot go and NOT have this.

My vision of heaven is feasting on Smurf Ice Cream riding the Carousel in Jabber Jaws loving fins.

I was heartbroken to find out that this year they are renovating kiddie land to be Snoopy. SNOOPY!?!?!?! Fuck Snoopy and Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty and Woodstock. No one cares about Snoopy, especially when he's going to replace Scooby Fuckin' Doo.
In the 38 years King's Island has graced the planet with it's presense Scooby Doo has been a fixture. This is the first year EVER Scooby won't be in the park.
It's the end of an era.

RIP Scooby Dooby Doo

But I will remain loyal. I will make the trek to Cinncinati at some point this summer and proudly meander through the park with my vintage King's Island T-shirt and Bright Orange Hoodie.

Longing for the loving embrace of my first true love, Jabber Jaw- Bitey

Songs to Slit Your Wrists To

Part masochism, part unfortunate shuffling on my iPod. See, I hit shuffle and forgot to turn off all Passenger, Ingrid Michelson and anything else from my Summer of Lurvs 09 playlist. And what came on? Why the #1 song from that summer

This song single handedly could bring me to tears for months after The Summer of Lurvs died. To quote John Denver, the end of TSoL was "the day the muuuuuusic died" So I am going to give you a list of songs that can, and will, take Bitey to a dark place. The aforementioned song gets top spot, so we'll go from there.......

Alright next is ......... Gabriel and the Vagabond- Foy Vance

Um Even MY black heart never stood a chance with this. OK so first off this was Boy Who Shall Not Be Named's favorite song. So it's a nice lil sore spot still just for that. Dude we weren't even together for THAT long (other than the years of friendship....) BUT anyway. Secondly listen to the lyrics. It's about a homeless dude who gave up on god, found god and is now going to help change this other girl's world. No joke, I cannot and never have been able to, listen to this song without tearing up when he says "She never was a fighter/til he laid down beside her/and gently whispered Hope" If you don't melt at that, you have less of a soul than me.

Number 3- Chipette's- My Mother

Whoa, bet you weren't expecting that one. Since i was a baby-kid this song illicites nothing but big cartoonish tears and wailing from me. TSoL made me think I was invulnerable to this shit. I was wrong. I bawled. Then after the breakup, I bawled more. God damn. I am lame
On to selection

#4- Dashboard Confessional- Hands Down

It's actually a scientific fact you cannot have a "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To: AKA Depression-fest" playlist without at least 1 Dashboard song of Emo-ness On a scale of 1- hella lame where do i fall in regard to this song?
It was Boy's ring tone
Judge away, I don't even care anymore

#5 Ingrid Michaelson- Corner of Your Heart

Vom worthy, I know. But hey, it was a different time, a different Bitey. I mean, I can't always be the amazing bad ass you know and love........... Ok so i can't always be the awkward lunatic you all know and love, happy? Everyone once in a blue moon I'm allowed to have you know... the F word (Feelings! Get your mind out of the gutter Sheesh who you think i am??)
#6 More Than Anyone- Gavin Degraw

Gettin' serious now with the lurvy durvy-ness. Legit, Chompers and I had an ENTIRE like multi hour playlist on my iPod we would listen to and have girl/gay gushfests over these dudes. Chompers and I always has this strange knack for meeting, falling for and being crushed by about the same dude at about the same time. Usually off by about 2 weeks. So at least we know what's going to happen for the other. This particular summer was no different. We were living together at the time so we had the time to sit and gush and be all cutesy lurvy dourvy. We then also had the time to cry, eat rainbow cake, drink and bemoan our heartbreaks togehter as well.

We're going to round out the play list with two songs I would like to dedicate to that summer, Chompers and I's ultimate heartbreaks and those jerks who did us wrong! Both by the greatest band known to man: Alkaline Trio
Radio "I wish you, would take my radio to bath with you, plugged in and ready to fall"

and

This is Getting Over You- Alkaline Trio


Oh Alkaline. You may not write very good love songs, but fuck off songs, you are masters.


So yeah. Go F yourselves dudes. haha Chomp and I are totals over it. yeah.... totals.
Thanks for going down memory lane with me. Here's to a summer of nothing even close to last.
-Salt Water Tears just make my tank deeper
Bitey

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Do Sharks get Sinus infections?

The answer to both questions is, of course, yes.
I am trying SOOO freakin' hard to post more guys. I know the quality was never that high to begin with, but suck it, it's probs gonna slip a little more since I'm going from at least every other day posts.

First of all- My head= Musinex mascot housing project.
This fucker and aaaaaaaaaaaall his buddies from down at the docks/ factories/ construction site have decided to take a vacation.
In my face.
Ugh this blows.
God i knew it was bad when.....this might be TMI but I really don't care.....I had a more-than-twenty-minute nose bleed. Legit. I sneezed and then it was like my nose was on it's period. I wanted to die. Then my Demon Puppy (DP for short) whom i love dearly ate the klenex. I made her sleep in her chair, she was not crawling in my bed after that. It was that gross.
What I don't get is I can breathe, but everything in my face hurts. One of my eyes is even kinda puffy. I realized this as I tried, in vein, to put on eyeliner this morning.
Let's go play on WebMD and see what it says. 1- Cuz it's fun and 2- I am FAR too cheap to go to the real doctor.
OK So according to WebMD I may have the following:
*Nasal Irritation - wouldn't that be a sympton not a diagnosis?
*Foreign Object in my nose - Um, when I saw this all I could think of was Homer Simpsona nd the Crayons
*Accute Sinusitis- My money is on this one
*Nasal Dryness
*Chronic Sinusitis- hee hee Chronic. All that makes me want to do is listen to some old school Dre
*Polyps
*Broken Nose
*Hay Fever
*Aspirin Use- how much Aspirin does it take to F up your nose like this!?!
*Pink Eye
*Excessive Cocaine use
Wait..... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WebMD thinks i have a Coke problem because my sinuses aren't right? I'm a little offended WebMD. First of all, I may have done some shady things in the past. I mean God knows it will never be Bitey for President.....ever. But coke is something I never fucked with.

She never did coke either , Just has REALLY bad sinus problems.

I mean I get the connection, but really WebMD!?!? If you are going to accuse me of being a drug addict can't you at least ask me if I have done drugs?

Ugh I can't handle this right now. I just want to go home, curl up with my evil dog in my owl jammie shorts and Teddy Bear hospital T-shirt (circa 1990) and watch Arrested Development in a medicated haze.
I have a fever too. At least according to the ONLY thermometer I own. Which is a Candy thermometer. Which I guess is better than none at all. i just don't know how accurate it if on....people.
My mom got it for me for Christmas because of my old lady hobby of baking. I have used it for baking/candy making maybe MAYBE twice. Instead every time my air breaks/ I am too lazy to try and read where the little line is, I use it to figure out how hot/cold my apartment really is. This time I decided to see if it would work on me. Don't worry, I washed it!
But yeah, it said I was at 100 even. Who knows if it's right.
Taking someone's temp with a candy thermometer seems like the set up of an epic yo mama so fat joke, but alas, I'm just not that good.

*sniffle sniffle* - Bitey

Now, you're telling me you were so ingrained with white trash DNA, your facial hair actually grows in on its own all white trashy like that?

Why yes, That IS a quote from Joe Dirt. And Yes that IS an epic painting of Joe dirt. I believe it would look right at home in a flea market frame hanging in a double wide on a wall made of plastic fake wood paneling over a couch covered in cigarette burns and cat hair. Hell, take away the cigarette burns and that's my Mamaw's old place. Her and her cat, Kitty lived in a picturesque mobile home, mountain top in Appalachia. I come from classy stock. But at least my kin are just country as hell. Nemo's fam jam is all white trashy like. Now don't get me wrong. I am NOT hating on him or his lovely family. I am simply stating a fact. A fact that Nemo is driving home with each text. See, Nemo has his WT family in town for a visit. What is fantastic is he is sending out "White Trash Updates" Via Text. For the rest of the post Nemo's texts will be in green. My interjections? Why purple of course.

Text #1- You want whitetrash updates? Well Here is number one. Waffle House is the choice for breakfast because grandma looooves their hashbrowns and gravy. (I was under the impression, up until now, that the ONLY time you go to waffle house is post shinnanigans or to see some weird shit. The food is incidental. Hell, we're usually drunk and would eat anything as long as it was greasy and drunk-foodesque. I'm looking at you Krystal and Taco Bell for this one too. I had no idea people actually LIKED the food! BTW- I noticed one day that their menu says everything is served on REAL china.)

Fine China for your $2 Waffle and Cigarette Ash "coffee"

Text STOP to no longer receive updates from white trash reunion 2010
(Why would anyone text stop? Also probs most clever thing Nemo has ever said)
Update #2 At Wal-mart exchanging [Grandma's] jean shorts (JORTS!!!!!) because they were too small.
#3 My great aunt Jeanie wants to get a tramp stamp. Like Legit, I just won't take her to the Tattoo Parlor. She was like... I'm retired. It doesn't matter if I do something crazy. I want one like those young girls have on their lower back.. I think they're cute. She's like 70.

Artists rendering of "Aunt Jeanie" post Tattoo parlor excursion.

I have been pestering Nemo for more updates which will be on the blog Tu-rust. All I have gotten thus far is this:
Well, I was away for a little bit and now we're just watching ESPN....
Sadly I checked ESPN. It's not Nascar right now, just sports center.
Le Sigh
Gonna go ahead and post, BUT there will be updates ...hopefully
-Bitey

UPDATE!
#4- My sister "We're going to WalMart?!? I need to look good!"

Cheshire Cats and Musicial Acts

Alright. So you bitches may or may not know I am quite literally obsessed with music. I have 2 rather obese iPods, one 80 gb the other 16gb both full, plus who knows how many CDs and Vinyls. It's sad. I'm probably one music binge away from being locked up. But that's ok As long as I can take the music WITH me to the crazy house.
But see, I know I won't be alone. My dear dear friend Cheshire with be right there with me. See there are people in my life who GET music (jackaloper and Chesh) and the people who don't (EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW, and half the time Jackaloper falls into this.) It's really frustrating. Because I WANT to talk about the musics that I love. Why I love them. What they mean to me. How they move me.
I am met with blank stares at best.
Then i found Chesh.
We bonded over booze and musics.
After that how can you NOT be Biffles 4 life?
So we, in the like wow month+ we've known one another, burned about 30 CDs for each other. And since i had a pretty shitTASTIC Weds of trainwreckage (workin on the hilarity of it all for you) I received an epic amount of musics waiting at my door.
now I am spending my entire day listening to said musics discussing with Chesh via text and enjoying the Rabbit Hole i get to go down trying to figure out what the F all of it is. Sadly, this is probs the most fun i have had in weeks. lol This is not a funny post i just had to explain how much i am enjoying this. Thus far the music has taken me from HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE HAS THIS (Matt Skiba's side project Heavens) to HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS SONG but it makes me cry!!! (Overkill- Men At Work don't even start to judge)


So yeah. '
Why can't i have more friends that get the musics??????!?!?!?!
You bitches suck
"I gots deuce deuces"- Bitey

FLASHBACK

I feel like I just stepped back in time. I talked to my friend, we'll just call him "The Mormon" since that's his most distinguishable trait and I am FAR too lazy (read: hungover) to look up a fish name for him that is fitting/funny.

He Does resemble this fish-type creature though

"The Mormon" and I met through a mutual friend probs 5 or 6 years ago. He came to visit her and for some reason I was just around the whole weekend. Anywho, this kid was oh so sheltered and naive I knew we had to be friends.
So all those years ago we hung out like a solid weekend, and have never seen each other in person again since. We stayed in touch though for many years. How? AIM! Yup. AIM.
The conversation I had with this kid i will NEVER forget? a 4 hour conversation about making a movie. OUt of the song "Ooba dee oobada life goes on oooooooooon oooooooon life goes on".
Out of Egg people.
Yes
It was epic.
He made the film.
Turned it in at BYU and got like an A or some shit.
I lurvs the Morman -Bitey

Doom Doom Doom

So Jackalope put his footdowna nd said NO when it comes to my post regarding the trainewreck that was my wed. He was there for part of it, but doesn't want his part discussed. Since that was by FAR the funniest shit that happened cuz of who we ran into there I said fuck it. No Post. Sorry. If you know me, then you've heard the story. If not and you are one of the randos out in cyber space then post a comment and maybe MAYBE i can e-mail you the story. As far as posting comments goes, I'm just gonna throw it out there. You. Bitches. Suck. You can at least do that lame ass "First!!!" stuff. If you make comments I might put a little more effort into my postings. Just sayin. But anywho I was talking to ....god knows who the other day about old cartoons and Invader Zim came up. Legit I forogt how much I love Invader Zim. Gir, Gaz, That batshit teacher. It was love at first sight back in what? '01. I was.....a freshman in highschool i think. Maybe....shit I don't reember. I just know I was a weird lil punk rock kid who though and GIR was my fav. But I a had special connection with Gaz. In fact while writing this I am watching invader zim and took a lil quizzlette from the internets.

You are game-playing, pizza-eating, perpetually-frowning goth girl Gaz. You are totally indifferent and all but immune to the terrible threats that daily loom over the Earth. But, like, who cares? You shall plunge us into a nightmare world from which there is no waking!

Take The Mighty Invader Zim Test! Don't. Judge. Me. Actually, You fuckers have a jab. Take the quizzy. Tell me who you get. Cept Nemo. You will be Gir.

GIR loves Cupcakes!

Seriously I could do a whole post on JUST GIR.
But my love my love my love fro this shit ws predestined. I already lurved

Johnny The Homicidal Maniac
and SQUEE!!

Aw. I had like flashbacks to questionable activities in my youth leading to the Discovery of Nny and Squee. Oh and Happy Noodle Boy. Le Sigh
I wanna say it was Andrea Blythe who set me on the path of the crazy. She is the one who showed me Rocky Horror for the first time. Holy god, she looked JUST like Columbia too.
I often wonder if I would be a different if I hadn't been friends with her.
Bloh well.
I love my Scary Monkey Cup-
Bitey

WHAT IN THE HELL

That is all. -Bitey

Fuck I'm like 90 on the inside

Pictured: Bitey's birthday 2009

Legit I'm an old woman. I can FEEL my youth slipping away. How do I know I'm old though? Oh god there are so many many many reasons. I mean YES I still like to go out and get mah drank on, that's not the issue. The problem is I'm old because I find myself quite often being the old fart at the party. Oh nono, I don't need another shot, I have to be at work in the morning! WHAT!?!?!?! A year ago I would have not only slammed that shot, but also challenged the other straight up alcoholics to chug some god awful undrinkable concoction of gasoline, peppermint schnapps, rubbing alcohol, moonshine and Mad Dog 20/20 (The Blue one, it's classiest and one of my old sorority colors) then SOMEHOW managed to roll my happy (still drunk) ass into work and somehow function.
Now?? Now I have a few drinks, STRUGGLE the next morning and kind of want to kill myself as I listen to the buzz of florescent lighting.
Oh the juvenile shit my friends and I would do. That they will still do, and occasionally talk me into. And by occasionally talk me into I mean they give me the idea and for some reason all the little red flags don't start waving so I become the ring leader in shenanigans again.

A typical "not being old" night out with Bitey has this many red flags.....by 6 o'clock

But my shenanigans are getting fewer and further between, and my Mom moments more frequent. God Damn It. I'm getting old. Which blows because aren't your mid-twenties supposed to be prime crazy times? I mean come on. In my circle of Biffles I am, not only the sole college graduate, but also only person with a job that does not involve the phrase "Can I get you another Coke sir, or are you ready for the check?" Now don't get me wrong, I am not hating on these people.
I actually told Cheshire earlier today how i should just stop being a big kid and come work with the rest of them. But they all go out and do WHATEVER all hours of the day and night. While i work a normal 9 to 5 and have to sleep at some point. Which is another reason I feel so old. I used to function like a normal human being, at least as normal as I ever was, on 1 maybe 2 hours of sleep. But now if i don't get at least 5 hours of sleep a night, i can't function. At all. And God knows as soon as I get home from work I'm a take a nap. And don't even get my started on my secret stash of energy drinks hidden in my office.

I believe my "blood" is more blue monster than either blood or booze

But none of these things are really what makes me an old lady. Yeah, they make me OLD but not old as hell. Which is what I am.
Number 1- I live with no Cable or Internet. Yup, i have to gank internets from friends, family and co-workers. Really, its a problem. (Part of why i totals suck at blogging religiously.) Also lack of cable has cut me off from a good bit of popular culture. SO when people talk about rando shit on like HBO or Fuck even Comedy Central so on and so forth I have no idea whats going on. I also have REALLY shitty antenna TV, which i rarely watch, sooooo yeah fuck TV. Pretty much the only TV shows I watch are Big Bang Theory and Glee. Cuz I'm cool like that.

2- because I have no TV or Internets at home, I read. A lot. And not normal stuff, like non-fiction.

3- Because of my lacking in pop culture knowledge of TV, internet and "literature" I have NO GOD DAMN CLUE about Harry Potter, Twilight any of that crap. I'm sorry I was in middle school or some shit when Potter came out. I remember the dumb twats reading that crap and do book reports, while I would do book reports on, ya know, real books. So when i went to college and people were CRYING OVER HARRY POTTER I couldn't handle it. I refused to learn about it, and thus totals missed a cultural train entirely. But oh sweet god, did i get to see one of the Potter movies on opening night. I, in my eternal nerdiness, was like the stereotypical jock walking in on the chess club. Mocking the grown ass men dressed up as, what i refered to as "The golden Snatch" (apparently it's a snitch). I also greatly frustered those around me to the point they asked me waht i knew. Hand to god I said "Well...>I know there are like 4 houses. There is the Bubble house for the dumb kids, the Griffin Dorm, i think they are supposed to be heros or some bullshit, oh the Bird House for all the smart kids and the Snake House for all the bad people....i think it's green" Not only did i make an entire theatre twitch, but I made a 40+ year old man lose his shit. His eyeliner lightning bolt even came off. I proceeded to listen to my iPod and ask questions loudly during the rest of the movie, cuz i liked watching the vein in Mr. I'm-over-40-and-dressed-like-a-children's-book-character's neck pulse

4) I hate WOW. There, I said it. Nerds of the world unite against me. It's retarded. I played it once, killed some bitches, got kileld said "Fuck this shit" was forced to play on someone's account. Killed their flying beast thing. They said "fuck this shit". Game over. I know a lot of people who play and still think of this:

That's actually not South park, but Jackalope and his friends on a Friday night

5)- i LOVE the retro channel on my antenna TV. Old School Hulk with Lou Fargino, Wolf Man Jack's B Horror movies, ANYTHING with fucking Vincent Price (Personal fav would be "Dr. Goldfoot and his Bakini Machine) I'm sorry, TV was just BETTER back in the day, just like granma says.

6) FUCK 4 Square! Fuck Twittering about where you are. Call me old fashioned but i don't need everyone and their mother knowing where i am every second of the day,. MAINLY because NO ONE CARES. Seriously. no one gives a fuck you just made a sammich and are on your way to work in sweatpants. No one CARES you totals just drank a bottle of jack in your car.

Except Big Brother, but he already knew

Seriously. I really don't think I need to put on Facebook, Twitter, 4 Square or anything else what I'm doing 24/7. I mean If you care where I am or what i'm doing you can always call me or text me. Or creepily memorize my sched and wait for me outside of my apartment (Gyarr and Jackaloper I'm lookin at you on that one). And if you don't care, you won't want to read my 4 square or twitter or facebook. And If you are an ex/no longer my friend/ boss/mother, I don't need you facebook stalking me and being able to figure out I'm ACTUALLY at a bar knocking back half price jager bombs on a Sunday afternoon rather than at church like the good Southern Belle you think i am.

So fuck it. I'm old.

Off to buy hard candies and "Aud de Granma" - Bitey

You're Love Your Love Is My Drug

And I bet for 1/2 a second you thought I meant I had some romanticals news
No No No, I don't DO Romantical. Just Not very Bitey.

Pictured- my heart and lack of soul

However, Nemo and I have a new song. Oh Nemo, my biffles for life. He and I have gotten into quite a few shinnanigans over the years. Including but not limited to, being thrown out of SEVERAL bars (including a gay male strip club) countless adventures to nowhere, ganking shit off the road and from friends while intoxicated, a faux engagement misadventure, (from which i retain the title of "Not Wife") so on and so forth.

Previously our "song" was Akon- Nobody want to see us together. Yup that gem. And TRUST when we saw Akon this year we had a girl and her gay hug/screamfest moment when he played that song. Talking JUST short of tears.
This song followed us everywhere we went. Get in the car? AKON Go to a bar? AKON! movies? AKON! Party? AKON!
It was as if some higher power was saying "You two are a match made in Hell, NOBODY wants ya'll to be biffles. K. Thanx BYE! -The Cosmos"

Messenger of the God's since 2006

Now the song that follows us like Herpes is KeSha "You're Love Is My Drug"

Which really is just the nail in the coffin that Nemo + Bitey= Awkward Co-Dependence for Life

If i can have a picture of Ke$ha and the American Flag on my blog i will do it. Everytime.

So I'm not sure how the universe decided that 1) Nemo and I were perfect for one another in theat super F'ed way that we are (I would assume it threw up it's hands in defeat and gave up) 2) Why it has to be this song that lets us know. I mean aren't there 800,000 other Biffles songs? I am fully aware at the level of bizzare Nemo and I's relationship is. We have entire conversations with one look, hell we share a brain at this point. Not a joke guys. It's not uncommon (read: daily) that we will think and say the exact same thing at the exact moment. And it's not normal shit. It's crap from left field like "Make everyone twins" and "Electric Toilet"
The basis for our bond is I'm a hateful bitch, he is becoming a catty gay together we make the world weep.
Though at times he is still shocked at the level of evil that will spew forth from my mouth. I have no idea why. On the other hand I am always shocked when he gets a reference I make to anything musical. As in so shocked he gets a "point" each time he gets it, or makes one of his own. We have been Biffles for 4 years. He has 7 points, as of last night. Sooooo there's that.

Let's see what else has been going on.....
I met The Swell Season. I swooned.
Doesn't really pertain to anything, just wanted to gloat a bit.

Actually Legit, I am in love with this music. And I have NO IDEA WHY! I normally love weird, bizarre music. Such as Zombina and The Skeletones or Gogol Bordello. The Swell Season is singer/songwriter folksy music. And it makes me fall in love with it EVERY DAMN TIME.
Not going to lie, I teared up at the show. Me. With the black hole for a soul. It's not fair.

A lot of it is totals "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To" too. I'm not the most emotionally stable human being. I'm just saying Me + bottle of ANYTHING + Swell Season would = a very dark and scary journey into that black hole inside. I'm not sure if I would come back the same person, or if i'd go all Sam Neil in Event Horizon and come back all murder-y

With the right accessories I think it could be a good look for me.

Le Sigh.
Truth is my heart is in there somewhere. Crying like an emokid on....well fuck, a tuesday. Waiting to be pulled from the black hole. Because lets face it, it's dark and scary in there.

Ugh I'm just not funny today
Toodles
-Bitey

Holy God it's been a while

Screw you guys. I have a real job and shit that takes up MY day, so sorry for not posting in.....far far too long.

Anywho so WOW um what was I going to talk about? Ah I remember

Hand. To. God. I am the ONLY human being who can say this happened and it not sound like utter bullshit.
So wha' ha' happened was....
Gyarr and I were a hoppin and beboppin around town, decided we wanted McDonalds around midnight last night. So off to the Golden Arches we sped. After gawking at what appeared to be two very bored cops and one pulled over dude with the Sads blocking one of the entrances we get in line at the drive thru. Gyaar sees a car pull up behind us and remarks "Hey....isn't that Snow?" Snow would be a previous member of our lovely little inner circle of bizarre who went off the deep end and never came back. We hear from him on occasion, there is no animosity, just very different life paths. Anyway, I look decide that yes, yes it is Snow. So what do I do? The same thing you would, I get out of the car and walk to to his car in the drive thru. He looked shocked to see me, but not shocked at said action, so we start talking. I ask what he's been doing. His response "Getting my girlfriend pregnant and getting engaged! We're getting married in July!"
My response to this shocking news?
"What happened to you being Gay????"
Yes, that's right. All my social graces, a friend (whom I have bailed out of jail, we're talking close friends here bucko) tells me the joyous news of his shotgun wedding and all i can think is that I'm down 1 homo.
*sigh*
Anywho, poor thing looked stressed and strung out. I'm sure a combo of waiting endless tables, the preggo gf, impending shotgun marriage, and possibility of drug-related crazy eyes lead to this.
In conclusion
WTF
and
MOZEL TOV!

My life is a fail

And I am reminded of it at least 6 times a day.
I mean I like to think of myself as mildly successful, i have a real job, I have an apartment that is the least ghetto apartment I have ever lived in, my lovely puppy, i work out, i eat decently, not a lot of debt. But no, no, God likes to remind me that i am in fact, a fail.
Oh, you'd like examples would you?
Wanna hear it, here goes.
#1- Today Jackalope and I did our usual Tuesday lunch. It's usually awk-ish if for no other reason that he always comes into my office looking like he was pulled from the bottom of a barge (i love you, you know it's true and i always tell you you look rough. haha) So today was no exception there. We get the the resturant to go to lunch and as usual we look like a pair that doesn't belong (he's a bartender, I work in an office,kind of a diffrent day look) and the president of my small company is there waving at me and Jackalope. instead of acting like a normal person what do i do?? PANIC! I swore el presidente gave Jackalope a side eye so i grabbed him and was like "Um....we're eating inside not the patio!"
he thought i was crazy and that someday my office will have to understand I am, in fact, human, but that day was not today soooooo panic
Panic is what makes me a fail

another example?
Running with my dog today I tripped and faceplanted infront of at LEAST 30 people becuase my dog tripped me.

ANOTHER example?
I got in my car to come over to Nemo's to watch Glee. I had been whitening my teeth with some Crest White Strips. Totals forgot they were on until i got to a light. So I did what anyone would do, peel those nasty things off my toofs and threw it out my car window. I then look up and see a totals hot dude looking at me and my tooth strips with utter disgust.
FAIL

*sigh* and that's just what i remember of today. I know there is more.

please share some FAIL moments guys, make me feel a little better.
And for a little insentive- my ultimate fail moment- Dog threw up a used codom on my then ....whatever's (bf?) feet. Yup. She got in the trashcan (WHO THROWS CONDOMS AWAY! YOU FLUSH THAT SHIT!) ate a freshly used condom. Let it roll around in her gut for several hours then threw it up on his feet when we got back from a date like the next day. Probably the most traumatic moment of my life.
................i think i'm going to take a bath with a radio after that one
-Bitey

Oh what a night

Loyal readers, I don't believe I have been very open and upfront with you so let me lay it all out for you. I am laying on my couch on a Saturday night avoiding a date with a guy I think has a kid, wearing a pencil skirt and baseball t, why I couldn't even begin to explain, watching a documentary on Beer trying to figure out what the HELL my dog is doing before slipping into a boardem coma.

Stop- Guy in this doc has a beer tap tie and crazy old man glasses. Be still my beating heart.

God I love documentaries, but I feel like a pretentious douche when I try to talk to people about them, even if it is a beer documentary. I mean everyone has a friend that is THAT GUY, who thinks they are SOOOOOOOOOOO totally intellectual because they watch documentaries about shit like The Life Cycle Of Irradiated Manta Rays or Hitlers Neighbor's Best Friend's Dog Coming to Terms With The Philosophical Ramifications of the Nazi Party

Turns out- the dog was OK with it

Eat a dick That Guy! Doesn't make you an intellectual, at best it makes you a dude who can hit play and enjoy factual bullshit as much as most people enjoy fictional bullshit. At worst it makes you a wannabe hipster douchebag who pontificates about nothing and yearns for intellectual superiority at every turn.

Which reminds me-> I need to get my record player fixed so I can listen to Say Anything on Vinyl. Not because I am a douche but because my iPod hates me and won't play .....Is A Real Boy without having a stroke.

But TRUST I am not THAT GUY. I love documents for the same reason I love Dr. Who, Marvel & DC comics (which I am a dead ringer for a Marvel comic heroine. I will buy for you a drink if you figure out who and e-mail it to me at biteyandchompers@gmail.com. I know my dear Jackalope reads the blog SO you don't get to play as you pointed this one out to me.) thick rimmed glasses, Arrested Development, Big Bang (Marry Me Sheldon) The Simpsons, math rock etc. I am a card carrying Geek. Nerd. Whatever you want to call me. I think it's kinda sexy when a guy can pull obscure facts out of his ass, and even sexier when we can have a philosophical debate. Basically my ideal man looks like this And has the intelligence of this

*sigh*Which is why I am screwed 4 life. Also kinda why I bailed on dude man tonight. I just couldn't. do it. He's a nice guy, cute, athletic. But dumb as a box of rocks. And ew, textspeak I don't care who you are, textspeak is vom worthy. U & R are not words and nite is only acceptable if proceeded by Nick At. Got it? It just bothers me and makes me think you are an idiot.

OK back to the documentary. It's making me want a beer. Or a keg. Mmmmm, Yingling, yeah, yeah I need a Yingling, Shit! This dude is making beer in his kitchen! Chomp, can we get on this??? NOW??? Call it Shark Bite. We can make a, fuck, what is it I like?Heffavissen? i don't know. I should call Jackalope. He is my beer Guru. I shit you not. Homeboy is BRILLIANT in 3 areas, and that's about it. Music, Beer and Comic Books. Which is why we has been Biffles for much too many years. (hearts) Anyway, he is like the fucking Rain Man of Beer, so if I Don't know what to drink, I call him.

Like this, with beer AND the juicebox

Anyway Beer.......Beer...... God I really want one watching this. But I am sketched out by drinking alone......in a pencil skirt and baseball T that proclaims my love for KISS. I have 4 High Lifes and 2 Terripan IPA from hell things. That shit is poop water.

Oh shit! So this documentary just blew my mind. So I love beer right? Love some strange ones too, but there are 2 seasonal beers that my friends and I go ape shit for. Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Because my drunk ass proclaimed It Tastes like Fall!!) and Winter Bourbon Cask Ale with vanilla with this awesome snowman we have has more than several debates if the color of his hat has changed over the years. My heart is broken, I found out it is made by Budweiser. WTF. I always just assumed it came from the Beer Fairy.

This news gives me the sads but also reminds me of a wonderful story. So this one night, bout 3 years ago I lived in this SKETCH ASS part of town. Like no joke I had a few Meth Labs blow up in my building, countless drug raids, ad got to see a future coworker get arrested (restaurant job). Anyghetto, my friend Nemo (names changed to protect.....whoever i don't know) and I had a few....dozen or so Winter Cask Ales. Having had many of these oh so delicious Cask Ales and at least a pack of Camel Lights, because nothing says college like cigarettes and beer. So we finished the cigarettes and decided we needed more, but were far to trashed to drive to the gas station and we figured it wasn't that dangerous to walk there. So we stroll our drunk asses on down to the gas station that in our state of inebriation, forgot was not even just closed, but basically gone. I'm talkin boarded up and no gas pumps left. So we say fuck it and took a short cut through the Virginia College Parking lot (yup I was so classy the bitches in my complex could walk to math class between meth deals). We get back to my complex put in the code and Nemo strolls through the car gate, while I go through the walking gate and cut the FUCK out of my foot. I still have a scar. We said fuck it got in Nemo's car and grove on down to the gas station. We decided the need for smokes X gas station out of walking distance= fuck it, we can make it.

Holy crap there is a place where God ordained for the Budweiser factory and Jelly Belly to be ACROSS THE STREET from each other. I want, no NEED to visit this place. I love Jelly Bellys, they are the only Jelly beans worth eating. The others are just decorations fit for a high school assistant principals office. They are still one of the worst seasonal candies. Christmas has fudge, Halloween has EVERYTHING especially Candy Corn, and what does Easter have? Chocolate Bunies and Crosses and Jelly Beans. Fail.

Bah my apartment is like Nightmare Before Christmas meets low rent Mad Men. Beautiful mental image huh? Seriously, I have a JAck-o-lanturn light fixture hanging in THE SAME ROOM as vintagy Christmas lights hanging all white trashy year round. Hell, I am so lazy the silvery glittery ornaments Chompers hung for my annual Christmas party. I do love that they cast a pinky orange glow on my avocado green couch. Basically my apartment is fresh out the dorms chic. Christ I have lawn furniture for a dining room set.

I totally zoned out on this documentary and now have no idea what is going on. But owner or CEO or whatever of Dogfish is HAWT. Even if he is like 30sish and totals frattastic. Shit! He gave out his e-mail in the documentary. Sam@dogfish.com. I feel like I should send this blog post to him.

Remember readers-> Beer is the Teddy Bear of Adults in America

-Bitey

Makers Mark Hat!!!!

Ok I had to go ahead and post this. My sister, god bless her, knows I have a deep deep DEEP love of all things trainwreck. So, she is stuck working a home and garden show today and has been instructed to send me photos of trainwrecks.
Boy did she deliver. She sent me this gem.
Makers Mark Hat!!! I WANT ONE! Please please please GOD can I have one?? I will wear it everyday and carry a bottle of Makers in my hand dancing and singing in the streets. Because when wearing a Makers Mark Hat that's all you can really do.
I mean shit, where I live, I'd fit IN.
That cap, in its FANTASTIC GLORIOUS essence, is a top hat with red "wax" dripping much like the top of a makers mark bottle.

Mix this with Ale-8 and you have the Bluegrass State in a Glass, try it I dare you.

I LOVE Makers. I would have considered going as a bottle of Makers for Halloween, but that's something else entirely.
I Can't even FIND a google image of a Markers Mark Hat like this!!! GOOGLE YOU HAVE FORSAKEN ME!
I believe I have fallen in love. Not with the man, just the hat.
God I hope my sister can top this. VIVA LA TRAINWRECKS!
-Bitey