Monday, July 12, 2010

Pimps, Trannys and Tourists, oh my.....

So just going to give you a full bullet points to highlight the wtf that is my life

- I discussed the pros and cons of dating a tranny with a dear friend of mine. I asked why I was the one fortunate enough to receive this call. his response? Because he didn't know anyone else it would seem appropriate. So i guess score one for my "I'm super tolerant" card. 2 more convos like that and I have enough punches that I can't be convicted of a hate crime AND i get a free slushie

-Chesh has a telephone jack int he bathroom of his new house. I am equally delighted and disturbed by this.

-I got to be involved in some tourist photos today. My office is about a block away from a few very touristy type spots in my city, and I frequently have to walk through one of these to pick up sushi for the office. (Yup, i'm that douche bag). Today there was a Latino family posing infront of fountains and street signs blah blah blah taking photos. The dad grabbed me and asked me to be in one of their photos because they wanted a "native" in the picture.
A Native? Native what?!

Bitey's Monday Morning office attire.
I hate to break it to these cats, but I'm not a native in any sense of the word. I am your typically white girl mutt breading of a few drops of eveywhere in Europe, and I'm not a native to the city I currently live. Yes I've been here going on 7years, but that's not a native.
That is where I am a "native", complete with state motto. that I wear proudly on my Laundry Day T-Shirt

- Same trip through this particular part of town I walked alongside, without speaking, to a pimp. This is not "I'm profiling and assuming the man in a blue and silver thick pin striped suit with silver wingtips, hat with feathers, and pimp cane". This dude is a pimp. Gold teeth glimmering in the sun and everything.

It even inspired the following:

Oh scary pimp man, with your pimp cane in your big pimp hands.
Why do you come out in the day? Are you taking your Ho's out to play?
Your pimp suit is so fine with it's bold silver stripes and blinged out tie.
Your face looks like it has been shanked, by a hundred different skanks
who didn't know with whom they had fucked.
Oh Scary Pimp dude with your swingin attitude
Why does yo' grill gleam? Are so fresh and so clean clean?
Your pimp hat so grand, with peacock feathers in the band.
You make this white girl tremble in fear because you are so near.
Vanilla does not need to be my new name.
So be free pimp man, with your pimp cane in your pimp hand, to rule the bitches with your gilded fist!
And I believe i am done for the day.

"No No NO! It's a Pimp Named Slickback, like A Tribe Called Quest. You say the whole thing!" So for today my pimp name is "A Shark Named Bite Back" -Bitey

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Touche Karma Touche

Ugh. How the hell does my debit card get stolen when I go out and don't spend a dime. Jackalope and I went to Hell's Wells and The Plaza last night and since he STILL had not gotten me my owl beer for taking care of his cat, all was on him.
Tastes like love, and yes I have made earrings from the bottle caps with the oh so cute owl.

And some how I lost my god damn debit card. So now i have LESS than no money. What is that you say? yes yes it IS time to pay my rent. With no money. yahoo. Touche karma. I get it. Don't go out on a rando wednesday til 4 in the morning "hootin, hollarin and swarpin" and my dad would say. God but you know what. Fuck it. Totes worth it. I have vauge memories of discussing what our spirit animals would be last night. It was THAT kind of drunk night. Spirit animals. Apparently Jackalope did not like being told that I thought his spirit animal would be a mouse. Probs becuase when you think of a spirit animal you think of this
not this
I believe we established mine was a "canine of sorts", but i think that was just drunk-alope calling me a bitch. . . . So i did a lil quizzy online and it said I tied! I guess that means I get 2 spirit animals. score. Says I am a Owl and a Fox. For Owls it said "Human lie-detectors

Owls are keen, perceptive and skeptical. You're adept at getting to the truth, making you an ideal investigator or attorney. Your insights into the less honorable side of human nature can make you a bit cynical, but your numerous friends appreciate the dark sense of humor it brings.

And fox "Stealth, night vision, ability to read and manipulate others' emotions

Foxes are clever, perceptive, and shrewd. You're happiest working behind the scenes, pulling strings and watching others dance to your imperceptible tune. Independent yet highly social, you glide among your circles of acquaintance with ease, sharing your sharp wit or a delicious piece of gossip."

Pretty Accurate. Awesome, I am a dark brooding gossip whore. I'm glad my spirit animals can guide me to a better me....

End goal of my spirit animals is to make me Batgirl

Back to Karma kicking my ass. So jackaloper finally gets me somewhere between 4am and the end of time and i immediatly pass the fuck out.
In doing so i totes did NOT set my alarm. Thank god my crazy ass dog does not like to let me sleep. I woke up 45 minutes late. Not as in over slept gotta rush to make in on time. No no. as in 45 minutes late to work. Saving grace- I live 2 minutes from my office.

Thank you Bajebus.

Then the hangover hits,. Oh and while i was at the bank the teller informs me you can totes see my pink and gray polka dot bra though my shirt.

I'm not sure which is worse, being OBVIOUSLY transitioning from day time drunk to hungover, having my card stolen, or being told by a 45 year old bank teller who looks like something from Ursala's Garden that you can see my bra.

This is what told me,"Ma'am, I don't care if you think it's fashionable, it's inappropriate to have your bra visable. Your debit card will be in the mail in a week"

So since today is basically the biggest fail for a loooong time I said FUCK IT! I am watching youtube and netflix all day today at work. Right now I am flipping between The Little Mermaid (Thank you Mr. Nosey Bank Teller) and Dead and Breakfast, one of the greatest bad movies ever.

I am including the best moment in cinema ever. Zombies. Line dancing Thriller. Keep your eyes on the Sheriff, bitch commits. And speaking of bitches, check the trick with the TAMBOURINE!!

Blood is as Sweet as Moonshine Whiskey, espcially when most of my blood right now is Whiskey- Bitey

Friday, June 25, 2010

My apartment looks like a dorm room threw up

And I am so fucking sick of it it's not even funny.
This weekend is going to be phase one of grown-up-ification
Gyarr and I will be sanding, painting and all around making all the furniture in house MATCH. FINALLY.
It's all hand me down and free, so I just want it to look decent.
Next step is oging to be curtains and better lighting, then wall decor gets updated.
Basically, I want it to look like someone who is 25 and has a JOB lives there instead of some 19 year old kid who just moved out of the dorms.
Anyone got any cool ideas for me?

Monday, June 21, 2010

We are the girls of Rock'n Roll-ah!

Legit i don't know what I would do without YouTube.
Oh wait I know one thing I would do, NOT make an ass out of myself at work.
See.....what ha'happened was I THOUGHT I was alone in the office so I was shamelessly listening to shit like JabberJaw and The Chipmunks.
I was rather unconsciously beboppin to the music when my boss came by and tapped me on the shoulder. APPARENTLY she had been trying to talk to me for a couple of minutes but I was in my own god damn little world.
Boss wasn't even mad it was sooooo funny apparently.
F my life......
But here is more of the Chipmunk's Great Adventure. One of my favorite movies from my childhood.

The lost Chipette- Bitey

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fuck Disney, King's Island is the happiest place on Earth

That's right, I said it. Send the mouse after me, I'll take him out. I'm from an area of the country that's not the South not the North and not quite the Midwest either. We have an amalgam of lovely strangeness and that's why I am who I am. Not the point.
Point is I was BLESSED to get to go to King's Island every summer from in-utero to now.
I have so many memories with that place.
My first roller coaster
Seeing my first person cry AND hurl on a ride

Getting a sex talk from my mother in the middle of international street because I asked to hang out with an older boy

Making out with randos on church/ school trips
Outdoor concerts

Skipping work to go

The greatest picture EVER taken of a A Thronberry It is the happiest place on earth.
And for some reason even though I get lost in my own neighborhood, by god I can navigate that park like I have fucking GPS in my head.

I remember as a child wanting nothing more than to live in Hanna Barberra land (Kiddie land) with Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, Bam Bam, Winny the Witch and Jabber Jaw.
I am no afraid to admit, I am in my midtwenties and still feel like a 4 year old on a Carousel. And this was the most magical of all.
Do you see Jabber Jaw there? You sat in his tail and got to ride in a Jabber Jaw hug.
A HUG. From a SHARK. Hello! My name is BITEY. Why would i NOT love this?
But all the baby kids wanted to ride in a Jabber Jaw, so i said fuck it and pulled a kid OUT of Jabber Jaw's loving grasp. I did not care. He was mine. I told that kid he could ride with Yogi, he said Yogi sucks. I agreed and he pouted and rode in the Flintstones car.

There was also a Smurf boat ride. Think It's a Small World, but instead of a souless rainbow of children singing about the one moon and one golden sun, it had Gargamel and some awkward robotic smerfs singing fa la la la la la la la la la la!
It was actually creepier than it looks.

The only evidence left in park of the Smurfs is the single greatest confection on the planet. Smurf Ice Cream. Blueberry and Vanilla swirl. Cover it in Sprinkles and it's as gay as Vanity Smurf and makes me feel like a 5 year old.
You cannot go and NOT have this.

My vision of heaven is feasting on Smurf Ice Cream riding the Carousel in Jabber Jaws loving fins.

I was heartbroken to find out that this year they are renovating kiddie land to be Snoopy. SNOOPY!?!?!?! Fuck Snoopy and Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty and Woodstock. No one cares about Snoopy, especially when he's going to replace Scooby Fuckin' Doo.
In the 38 years King's Island has graced the planet with it's presense Scooby Doo has been a fixture. This is the first year EVER Scooby won't be in the park.
It's the end of an era.
RIP Scooby Dooby Doo
But I will remain loyal. I will make the trek to Cinncinati at some point this summer and proudly meander through the park with my vintage King's Island T-shirt and Bright Orange Hoodie.

Longing for the loving embrace of my first true love, Jabber Jaw- Bitey

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Songs to Slit Your Wrists To

Part masochism, part unfortunate shuffling on my iPod. See, I hit shuffle and forgot to turn off all Passenger, Ingrid Michelson and anything else from my Summer of Lurvs 09 playlist. And what came on? Why the #1 song from that summer

This song single handedly could bring me to tears for months after The Summer of Lurvs died. To quote John Denver, the end of TSoL was "the day the muuuuuusic died" So I am going to give you a list of songs that can, and will, take Bitey to a dark place. The aforementioned song gets top spot, so we'll go from there.......

Alright next is .........
Gabriel and the Vagabond- Foy Vance

Um Even MY black heart never stood a chance with this. OK so first off this was Boy Who Shall Not Be Named's favorite song. So it's a nice lil sore spot still just for that. Dude we weren't even together for THAT long (other than the years of friendship....) BUT anyway. Secondly listen to the lyrics. It's about a homeless dude who gave up on god, found god and is now going to help change this other girl's world. No joke, I cannot and never have been able to, listen to this song without tearing up when he says "She never was a fighter/til he laid down beside her/and gently whispered Hope" If you don't melt at that, you have less of a soul than me.

Number 3- Chipette's- My Mother

Whoa, bet you weren't expecting that one. Since i was a baby-kid this song illicites nothing but big cartoonish tears and wailing from me. TSoL made me think I was invulnerable to this shit. I was wrong. I bawled. Then after the breakup, I bawled more. God damn. I am lame
On to selection

#4- Dashboard Confessional- Hands Down

It's actually a scientific fact you cannot have a "Songs to Slit Your Wrists To: AKA Depression-fest" playlist without at least 1 Dashboard song of Emo-ness
On a scale of 1- hella lame where do i fall in regard to this song?
It was Boy's ring tone

Judge away, I don't even care anymore

#5 Ingrid Michaelson- Corner of Your Heart

Vom worthy, I know. But hey, it was a different time, a different Bitey. I mean, I can't always be the amazing bad ass you know and love........... Ok so i can't always be the awkward lunatic you all know and love, happy? Everyone once in a blue moon I'm allowed to have you know... the F word (Feelings! Get your mind out of the gutter Sheesh who you think i am??)
#6 More Than Anyone- Gavin Degraw

Gettin' serious now with the lurvy durvy-ness. Legit, Chompers and I had an ENTIRE like multi hour playlist on my iPod we would listen to and have girl/gay gushfests over these dudes. Chompers and I always has this strange knack for meeting, falling for and being crushed by about the same dude at about the same time. Usually off by about 2 weeks. So at least we know what's going to happen for the other. This particular summer was no different. We were living together at the time so we had the
time to sit and gush and be all cutesy lurvy dourvy. We then also had the time to cry, eat rainbow cake, drink and bemoan our heartbreaks togehter as well.

We're going to round out the play list with two songs I would like to dedicate to that summer, Chompers and I's ultimate heartbreaks and those jerks who did us wrong! Both by the greatest band known to man: Alkaline Trio
Radio "I wish you, would take my radio to bath with you, plugged in and ready to fall"


This is Getting Over You- Alkaline Trio

Oh Alkaline. You may not write very good love songs, but fuck off songs, you are masters.

So yeah. Go F yourselves dudes. haha Chomp and I are totals over it. yeah.... totals.
Thanks for going down memory lane with me. Here's to a summer of nothing even close to last.
-Salt Water Tears just make my tank deeper

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep and Do Sharks get Sinus infections?

The answer to both questions is, of course, yes.
I am trying SOOO freakin' hard to post more guys. I know the quality was never that high to begin with, but suck it, it's probs gonna slip a little more since I'm going from at least every other day posts.

First of all- My head= Musinex mascot housing project.
This fucker and aaaaaaaaaaaall his buddies from down at the docks/ factories/ construction site have decided to take a vacation.
In my face.
Ugh this blows.
God i knew it was bad when.....this might be TMI but I really don't care.....I had a more-than-twenty-minute nose bleed. Legit. I sneezed and then it was like my nose was on it's period. I wanted to die. Then my Demon Puppy (DP for short) whom i love dearly ate the klenex. I made her sleep in her chair, she was not crawling in my bed after that. It was that gross.
What I don't get is I can breathe, but everything in my face hurts. One of my eyes is even kinda puffy. I realized this as I tried, in vein, to put on eyeliner this morning.
Let's go play on WebMD and see what it says. 1- Cuz it's fun and 2- I am FAR too cheap to go to the real doctor.
OK So according to WebMD I may have the following:
*Nasal Irritation - wouldn't that be a sympton not a diagnosis?
*Foreign Object in my nose - Um, when I saw this all I could think of was Homer Simpsona nd the Crayons
*Accute Sinusitis- My money is on this one
*Nasal Dryness
*Chronic Sinusitis- hee hee Chronic. All that makes me want to do is listen to some old school Dre
*Broken Nose
*Hay Fever
*Aspirin Use- how much Aspirin does it take to F up your nose like this!?!
*Pink Eye
*Excessive Cocaine use
Wait..... WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WebMD thinks i have a Coke problem because my sinuses aren't right? I'm a little offended WebMD. First of all, I may have done some shady things in the past. I mean God knows it will never be Bitey for President.....ever. But coke is something I never fucked with.
She never did coke either , Just has REALLY bad sinus problems.

I mean I get the connection, but really WebMD!?!? If you are going to accuse me of being a drug addict can't you at least ask me if I have done drugs?

Ugh I can't handle this right now. I just want to go home, curl up with my evil dog in my owl jammie shorts and Teddy Bear hospital T-shirt (circa 1990) and watch Arrested Development in a medicated haze.
I have a fever too. At least according to the ONLY thermometer I own. Which is a Candy thermometer. Which I guess is better than none at all. i just don't know how accurate it if on....people.
My mom got it for me for Christmas because of my old lady hobby of baking. I have used it for baking/candy making maybe MAYBE twice. Instead every time my air breaks/ I am too lazy to try and read where the little line is, I use it to figure out how hot/cold my apartment really is. This time I decided to see if it would work on me. Don't worry, I washed it!
But yeah, it said I was at 100 even. Who knows if it's right.
Taking someone's temp with a candy thermometer seems like the set up of an epic yo mama so fat joke, but alas, I'm just not that good.

*sniffle sniffle* - Bitey