Fuck Disney, King's Island is the happiest place on Earth

That's right, I said it. Send the mouse after me, I'll take him out. I'm from an area of the country that's not the South not the North and not quite the Midwest either. We have an amalgam of lovely strangeness and that's why I am who I am. Not the point.
Point is I was BLESSED to get to go to King's Island every summer from in-utero to now. I have so many memories with that place.
My first roller coaster
Seeing my first person cry AND hurl on a ride
Getting a sex talk from my mother in the middle of international street because I asked to hang out with an older boy
Making out with randos on church/ school trips
Outdoor concerts
Skipping work to go
The greatest picture EVER taken of a A Thronberry It is the happiest place on earth.
And for some reason even though I get lost in my own neighborhood, by god I can navigate that park like I have fucking GPS in my head.
I remember as a child wanting nothing more than to live in Hanna Barberra land (Kiddie land) with Scooby Doo, The Smurfs, Bam Bam, Winny the Witch and Jabber Jaw. I am no afraid to admit, I am in my midtwenties and still feel like a 4 year old on a Carousel. And this was the most magical of all.
Do you see Jabber Jaw there? You sat in his tail and got to ride in a Jabber Jaw hug.
A HUG. From a SHARK. Hello! My name is BITEY. Why would i NOT love this? But all the baby kids wanted to ride in a Jabber Jaw, so i said fuck it and pulled a kid OUT of Jabber Jaw's loving grasp. I did not care. He was mine. I told that kid he could ride with Yogi, he said Yogi sucks. I agreed and he pouted and rode in the Flintstones car.

There was also a Smurf boat ride. Think It's a Small World, but instead of a souless rainbow of children singing about the one moon and one golden sun, it had Gargamel and some awkward robotic smerfs singing fa la la la la la la la la la la!

It was actually creepier than it looks.

The only evidence left in park of the Smurfs is the single greatest confection on the planet. Smurf Ice Cream. Blueberry and Vanilla swirl. Cover it in Sprinkles and it's as gay as Vanity Smurf and makes me feel like a 5 year old.

You cannot go and NOT have this.

My vision of heaven is feasting on Smurf Ice Cream riding the Carousel in Jabber Jaws loving fins.

I was heartbroken to find out that this year they are renovating kiddie land to be Snoopy. SNOOPY!?!?!?! Fuck Snoopy and Charlie Brown and Peppermint Patty and Woodstock. No one cares about Snoopy, especially when he's going to replace Scooby Fuckin' Doo.
In the 38 years King's Island has graced the planet with it's presense Scooby Doo has been a fixture. This is the first year EVER Scooby won't be in the park.
It's the end of an era.

RIP Scooby Dooby Doo

But I will remain loyal. I will make the trek to Cinncinati at some point this summer and proudly meander through the park with my vintage King's Island T-shirt and Bright Orange Hoodie.

Longing for the loving embrace of my first true love, Jabber Jaw- Bitey