Fuck I'm like 90 on the inside

Pictured: Bitey's birthday 2009

Legit I'm an old woman. I can FEEL my youth slipping away. How do I know I'm old though? Oh god there are so many many many reasons. I mean YES I still like to go out and get mah drank on, that's not the issue. The problem is I'm old because I find myself quite often being the old fart at the party. Oh nono, I don't need another shot, I have to be at work in the morning! WHAT!?!?!?! A year ago I would have not only slammed that shot, but also challenged the other straight up alcoholics to chug some god awful undrinkable concoction of gasoline, peppermint schnapps, rubbing alcohol, moonshine and Mad Dog 20/20 (The Blue one, it's classiest and one of my old sorority colors) then SOMEHOW managed to roll my happy (still drunk) ass into work and somehow function.
Now?? Now I have a few drinks, STRUGGLE the next morning and kind of want to kill myself as I listen to the buzz of florescent lighting.
Oh the juvenile shit my friends and I would do. That they will still do, and occasionally talk me into. And by occasionally talk me into I mean they give me the idea and for some reason all the little red flags don't start waving so I become the ring leader in shenanigans again.

A typical "not being old" night out with Bitey has this many red flags.....by 6 o'clock

But my shenanigans are getting fewer and further between, and my Mom moments more frequent. God Damn It. I'm getting old. Which blows because aren't your mid-twenties supposed to be prime crazy times? I mean come on. In my circle of Biffles I am, not only the sole college graduate, but also only person with a job that does not involve the phrase "Can I get you another Coke sir, or are you ready for the check?" Now don't get me wrong, I am not hating on these people.
I actually told Cheshire earlier today how i should just stop being a big kid and come work with the rest of them. But they all go out and do WHATEVER all hours of the day and night. While i work a normal 9 to 5 and have to sleep at some point. Which is another reason I feel so old. I used to function like a normal human being, at least as normal as I ever was, on 1 maybe 2 hours of sleep. But now if i don't get at least 5 hours of sleep a night, i can't function. At all. And God knows as soon as I get home from work I'm a take a nap. And don't even get my started on my secret stash of energy drinks hidden in my office.

I believe my "blood" is more blue monster than either blood or booze

But none of these things are really what makes me an old lady. Yeah, they make me OLD but not old as hell. Which is what I am.
Number 1- I live with no Cable or Internet. Yup, i have to gank internets from friends, family and co-workers. Really, its a problem. (Part of why i totals suck at blogging religiously.) Also lack of cable has cut me off from a good bit of popular culture. SO when people talk about rando shit on like HBO or Fuck even Comedy Central so on and so forth I have no idea whats going on. I also have REALLY shitty antenna TV, which i rarely watch, sooooo yeah fuck TV. Pretty much the only TV shows I watch are Big Bang Theory and Glee. Cuz I'm cool like that.

2- because I have no TV or Internets at home, I read. A lot. And not normal stuff, like non-fiction.

3- Because of my lacking in pop culture knowledge of TV, internet and "literature" I have NO GOD DAMN CLUE about Harry Potter, Twilight any of that crap. I'm sorry I was in middle school or some shit when Potter came out. I remember the dumb twats reading that crap and do book reports, while I would do book reports on, ya know, real books. So when i went to college and people were CRYING OVER HARRY POTTER I couldn't handle it. I refused to learn about it, and thus totals missed a cultural train entirely. But oh sweet god, did i get to see one of the Potter movies on opening night. I, in my eternal nerdiness, was like the stereotypical jock walking in on the chess club. Mocking the grown ass men dressed up as, what i refered to as "The golden Snatch" (apparently it's a snitch). I also greatly frustered those around me to the point they asked me waht i knew. Hand to god I said "Well...>I know there are like 4 houses. There is the Bubble house for the dumb kids, the Griffin Dorm, i think they are supposed to be heros or some bullshit, oh the Bird House for all the smart kids and the Snake House for all the bad people....i think it's green" Not only did i make an entire theatre twitch, but I made a 40+ year old man lose his shit. His eyeliner lightning bolt even came off. I proceeded to listen to my iPod and ask questions loudly during the rest of the movie, cuz i liked watching the vein in Mr. I'm-over-40-and-dressed-like-a-children's-book-character's neck pulse

4) I hate WOW. There, I said it. Nerds of the world unite against me. It's retarded. I played it once, killed some bitches, got kileld said "Fuck this shit" was forced to play on someone's account. Killed their flying beast thing. They said "fuck this shit". Game over. I know a lot of people who play and still think of this:

That's actually not South park, but Jackalope and his friends on a Friday night

5)- i LOVE the retro channel on my antenna TV. Old School Hulk with Lou Fargino, Wolf Man Jack's B Horror movies, ANYTHING with fucking Vincent Price (Personal fav would be "Dr. Goldfoot and his Bakini Machine) I'm sorry, TV was just BETTER back in the day, just like granma says.

6) FUCK 4 Square! Fuck Twittering about where you are. Call me old fashioned but i don't need everyone and their mother knowing where i am every second of the day,. MAINLY because NO ONE CARES. Seriously. no one gives a fuck you just made a sammich and are on your way to work in sweatpants. No one CARES you totals just drank a bottle of jack in your car.

Except Big Brother, but he already knew

Seriously. I really don't think I need to put on Facebook, Twitter, 4 Square or anything else what I'm doing 24/7. I mean If you care where I am or what i'm doing you can always call me or text me. Or creepily memorize my sched and wait for me outside of my apartment (Gyarr and Jackaloper I'm lookin at you on that one). And if you don't care, you won't want to read my 4 square or twitter or facebook. And If you are an ex/no longer my friend/ boss/mother, I don't need you facebook stalking me and being able to figure out I'm ACTUALLY at a bar knocking back half price jager bombs on a Sunday afternoon rather than at church like the good Southern Belle you think i am.

So fuck it. I'm old.

Off to buy hard candies and "Aud de Granma" - Bitey

Oh what a night

Loyal readers, I don't believe I have been very open and upfront with you so let me lay it all out for you. I am laying on my couch on a Saturday night avoiding a date with a guy I think has a kid, wearing a pencil skirt and baseball t, why I couldn't even begin to explain, watching a documentary on Beer trying to figure out what the HELL my dog is doing before slipping into a boardem coma.

Stop- Guy in this doc has a beer tap tie and crazy old man glasses. Be still my beating heart.

God I love documentaries, but I feel like a pretentious douche when I try to talk to people about them, even if it is a beer documentary. I mean everyone has a friend that is THAT GUY, who thinks they are SOOOOOOOOOOO totally intellectual because they watch documentaries about shit like The Life Cycle Of Irradiated Manta Rays or Hitlers Neighbor's Best Friend's Dog Coming to Terms With The Philosophical Ramifications of the Nazi Party

Turns out- the dog was OK with it

Eat a dick That Guy! Doesn't make you an intellectual, at best it makes you a dude who can hit play and enjoy factual bullshit as much as most people enjoy fictional bullshit. At worst it makes you a wannabe hipster douchebag who pontificates about nothing and yearns for intellectual superiority at every turn.

Which reminds me-> I need to get my record player fixed so I can listen to Say Anything on Vinyl. Not because I am a douche but because my iPod hates me and won't play .....Is A Real Boy without having a stroke.

But TRUST I am not THAT GUY. I love documents for the same reason I love Dr. Who, Marvel & DC comics (which I am a dead ringer for a Marvel comic heroine. I will buy for you a drink if you figure out who and e-mail it to me at biteyandchompers@gmail.com. I know my dear Jackalope reads the blog SO you don't get to play as you pointed this one out to me.) thick rimmed glasses, Arrested Development, Big Bang (Marry Me Sheldon) The Simpsons, math rock etc. I am a card carrying Geek. Nerd. Whatever you want to call me. I think it's kinda sexy when a guy can pull obscure facts out of his ass, and even sexier when we can have a philosophical debate. Basically my ideal man looks like this And has the intelligence of this

*sigh*Which is why I am screwed 4 life. Also kinda why I bailed on dude man tonight. I just couldn't. do it. He's a nice guy, cute, athletic. But dumb as a box of rocks. And ew, textspeak I don't care who you are, textspeak is vom worthy. U & R are not words and nite is only acceptable if proceeded by Nick At. Got it? It just bothers me and makes me think you are an idiot.

OK back to the documentary. It's making me want a beer. Or a keg. Mmmmm, Yingling, yeah, yeah I need a Yingling, Shit! This dude is making beer in his kitchen! Chomp, can we get on this??? NOW??? Call it Shark Bite. We can make a, fuck, what is it I like?Heffavissen? i don't know. I should call Jackalope. He is my beer Guru. I shit you not. Homeboy is BRILLIANT in 3 areas, and that's about it. Music, Beer and Comic Books. Which is why we has been Biffles for much too many years. (hearts) Anyway, he is like the fucking Rain Man of Beer, so if I Don't know what to drink, I call him.

Like this, with beer AND the juicebox

Anyway Beer.......Beer...... God I really want one watching this. But I am sketched out by drinking alone......in a pencil skirt and baseball T that proclaims my love for KISS. I have 4 High Lifes and 2 Terripan IPA from hell things. That shit is poop water.

Oh shit! So this documentary just blew my mind. So I love beer right? Love some strange ones too, but there are 2 seasonal beers that my friends and I go ape shit for. Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale (Because my drunk ass proclaimed It Tastes like Fall!!) and Winter Bourbon Cask Ale with vanilla with this awesome snowman we have has more than several debates if the color of his hat has changed over the years. My heart is broken, I found out it is made by Budweiser. WTF. I always just assumed it came from the Beer Fairy.

This news gives me the sads but also reminds me of a wonderful story. So this one night, bout 3 years ago I lived in this SKETCH ASS part of town. Like no joke I had a few Meth Labs blow up in my building, countless drug raids, ad got to see a future coworker get arrested (restaurant job). Anyghetto, my friend Nemo (names changed to protect.....whoever i don't know) and I had a few....dozen or so Winter Cask Ales. Having had many of these oh so delicious Cask Ales and at least a pack of Camel Lights, because nothing says college like cigarettes and beer. So we finished the cigarettes and decided we needed more, but were far to trashed to drive to the gas station and we figured it wasn't that dangerous to walk there. So we stroll our drunk asses on down to the gas station that in our state of inebriation, forgot was not even just closed, but basically gone. I'm talkin boarded up and no gas pumps left. So we say fuck it and took a short cut through the Virginia College Parking lot (yup I was so classy the bitches in my complex could walk to math class between meth deals). We get back to my complex put in the code and Nemo strolls through the car gate, while I go through the walking gate and cut the FUCK out of my foot. I still have a scar. We said fuck it got in Nemo's car and grove on down to the gas station. We decided the need for smokes X gas station out of walking distance= fuck it, we can make it.

Holy crap there is a place where God ordained for the Budweiser factory and Jelly Belly to be ACROSS THE STREET from each other. I want, no NEED to visit this place. I love Jelly Bellys, they are the only Jelly beans worth eating. The others are just decorations fit for a high school assistant principals office. They are still one of the worst seasonal candies. Christmas has fudge, Halloween has EVERYTHING especially Candy Corn, and what does Easter have? Chocolate Bunies and Crosses and Jelly Beans. Fail.

Bah my apartment is like Nightmare Before Christmas meets low rent Mad Men. Beautiful mental image huh? Seriously, I have a JAck-o-lanturn light fixture hanging in THE SAME ROOM as vintagy Christmas lights hanging all white trashy year round. Hell, I am so lazy the silvery glittery ornaments Chompers hung for my annual Christmas party. I do love that they cast a pinky orange glow on my avocado green couch. Basically my apartment is fresh out the dorms chic. Christ I have lawn furniture for a dining room set.

I totally zoned out on this documentary and now have no idea what is going on. But owner or CEO or whatever of Dogfish is HAWT. Even if he is like 30sish and totals frattastic. Shit! He gave out his e-mail in the documentary. Sam@dogfish.com. I feel like I should send this blog post to him.

Remember readers-> Beer is the Teddy Bear of Adults in America

-Bitey