1. So I am attempting to get my fat @$$ into a shape that does not resemble a piece of fruit of some kind but I am A- Too broke to join a gym B-Far too lazy to use a book or magazine to inspire me or tell me what to do. Not to mention the complicated steps and instruction. I didn't use the instruction manual on my bookshelf and/or tv stand, why would I use one on me? 3-FAR too critical of workout videos. But honestly, how can you not be? I'm sorry I don't care if you are doing that P90X crap that is oh so intense the ONLY thing I see when I use a work out video-> Richard Simmons. Period. Complete with spangly/sparkly shorts, white man 'fro and bevy of big beautiful midwesterners in the background Sweatin' to the Oldies. Once that image plants itself in my head I'm done. I just want to sit and enjoy the show, preferably with a friend (Chomp I'm lookin at you), some beer and chips. This is also why I have an unhealthy obsession with watching the Biggest Loser and eating or cooking through the entire episode.
2. As discussed before, the part of town I live in is "no Pants friendly" which also makes it trainwreck central. I love this more than most people love their children. I'm talking about the good kid too, not the one you get drunk at Christmas and remind that THEY are the reason Dad left, nono I'm talking the perfect Leave It To Beaver kid. So I'm walking around downtown and see the single greatest thing I have seen SINCE the red dress drag queen with a horseshoe of silver hair and fuzzy legs. I saw a gentleman with the elegance and grace to have a VIKING HELMET tattooed onto his head. All blue ink, ornate as hell. Complete with nose guard and earflaps tattooed ON HIS HEAD. I didn't know if I should immediately run over and profess my undying love or run away screaming in fear of Thor taking me back to Valhallah. I chose option C which was giggle, stare mouth agape and text my dear friends about him.
If only I'd gotten his name.........
3. At what point is the transition made from it's weird to have kids at your age to it's weird NOT to?? I have a feeling it's sneaking up on me and that is not ok. To be honest, babies freak me out. Especially the whole Preggo part. It's like having a parasite for 9 months. It lives off of you and if you don't give it what it wants will steal your BONES. No thank you, I like my bones, they are staying put.
I'm also convinced this dude I've been talking to has a kid, but refers to it as his nephew. This is also not ok. Not because he's lying to me, but because I don't like kids, and I don't want to like this dude and then have to like his kid. I mean I have had a dude end things with me because he didn't like my dog, why can't I feel the same way about the chirrins?
4. I am not above following a car simply because I think a creeper is driving it. Pedo-vans beware. I will gawk, drive many blocks out of my way and almost wreck my car trying to get a decent picture on my cell. I don't care if I'm meeting people, I will be late and you will understand.
Which BTW- When I do get an epic pic, you will be the first to know.
Bringin' the crazy since the 80's
-Bitey
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